Today wasn't good. It was good in the fact that I didn't smoke. Didn't even really have any urge to. But, Grandma is just so sick. She is so dehydrated that she had to have a fluid trasfusion in the amount of 2 liters today and another dose of the same amount tomorrow. She looks and sounds awful. She is so sick. So so sick.
Too many tears for one day. So many precious yet sad things. For instance my oldest daughter laying in the recliner with Grandma (the kids call her Darlin') cuddling and talking. It broke my heart. The reality that this may just be the last time Addison sees her. If she keeps going downhill, I don't know that Addison is near old enough to witness that. I want her to remember Grandma happy and full of life. So many decisions.
Another instance: I was told today that Grandma said, before even starting this round of chemo, that her gut is telling her she won't be here for Christmas this year. Did reading that make you feel a major blow to the heart??? Hearing it did me.
I can't type anymore. I am just sad. And ready to stop the reality. I didn't get any sleep last night due to dreams about Grandma that were so real that even waking up didn't help the realization that they were dreams and not reality sink in. Add to that a tearful day full of every emotion from joking with Grandma about things to crying behind closed doors while she was at the clinic getting fluids. She didn't see a single tear fall. And she won't. But......
Will she ever know what she means to me and our family?
2 comments:
There is no time like the present to let people know what they mean to you. Telling your grandma that you love her and how much she means to you is a beautiful thing. I know it can be awkward - but just think how special it will make her feel and how reaffirming it will be for you.
I am proud that you made it through such an emotional day. Hang in there - you are so close to getting past the 'addiction' part - the habit part will be easier.
You are a great example to everyone, including your kids. Death is hard to deal with. Remember, YOU HAVE THE TIME TO SAY GOODBYE. That is a precious gift that many have not had. AND, you are dealing with this while making a major change in your life. Just remember the hope that you are giving your children! It will be okay, and at least your kids will have wonderful memories of Darlin to share with their children. These times are tough, but just remember the stories that we are able to tell when it is over. Do we talk about how hard it was to lose Grandpa? Sometimes, but most of the times we talk about pudding pops, the four-wheeler, and him taking a nap during the sermon at church and still being able to quote it later.
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