More tears

I really am not trying to dwell. Today has just been rough. No sleep last night and another day with a full plate. I find myself having to excuse.... myself.... (sounds rather redundant) to the bathroom, locking the door, and losing it for a minute, then regrouping and coming back out to play. This is the beginning of a long road. So far, the acceptance is a long way away. I'm not ready. Again, selfish, but so is greiving. It's selfish. I don't want her to suffer. I don't want her to be sad or in pain or tired or any of the crap she is going through every day. But I DO want her to fight. I DO want to look back in 6 weeks and read this and say.... oh, look how sad all of that was, and now she is doing so much better! However, in reality, I know that those "better days" might be further and fewer inbetween. Maybe this is a small setback. Maybe we have weeks, maybe we have months, maybe.... just MAYBE.... we have years. But THIS is HARD. I find myself wondering what is worse, losing someone suddenly, or knowing that the time you have left may not be much. It hurts like Hell either way. The circle of life must be completed, that's just how it is. But that never makes it easier. NEVER. And there is the cliche.... why do bad things happen to good people? I can think of one person that could trade places with Grandma and I would be ok with that. The WORLD would be ok with that. And yet that person just keeps on living life without a care or problem in the world, while my grandmother, a woman of great conviction and faith, lies in a recliner in her home fighting for her life. (I must be angry.........)