Oh life has SUCKED the last week. Wednesday was so wonderful, though. We went to the zoo with Omaha Mama (my cousin) and her two ADORABLE and FUN kids. It was so much fun. We were there all afternoon and the kids did wonderful. None of them really whined a whole lot (of course there were times when one would start up and we would look at each other like "can we really do this??", but hey... that's life with kids!), they ran, they played, they laughed..... it was wonderful!!!
Then yesterday it was just poopy again. I don't even know how to explain it. It was just awful and I didn't know how I was going to make it through. THANK GOD a friend of mine brought her kids out to play. At first I thought that it was just what I DIDN'T need, but it turned out to be phenominal!! She sat my three kids down and had a little chat with them about how much they DON'T help me out around the house and how they treat me when I ask them to do anything. Let me tell you something.... IT WORKED. This morning, the kids and I got up and I started cleaning the kitchen. When I told them that Omaha Mama and Fit for Florida are both coming out tonight, along with a couple other family members, for a going away get together for FFF, they started ASKING ME what they should do to help!!! Can you BELIEVE THAT?!?!? So, they cleaned their rooms, Zack vacuumed, and Addison swept and mopped the kitchen. Granted, the floors aren't as good as I would like. BUT.... I didn't have to even ASK for it to be done. That alone makes it shine like diamonds!! LOL!
So now I have BBQ Meatballs in the crock pot, a clean house, and family coming over soon to have some fun!! Yay for better days!!
Friday, June 29, 2007
Tuesday, June 26, 2007
tired and crabby
Moreso crabby than tired. I need a break. I need a vacation. I need to get the hell away. Ain't gonna happen. Husband on the road 24-7 and never home these days. Me home with kids that refuse to listen until I start screaming my head off threatening to pack my stuff and move away. I SERIOUSLY CAN'T TAKE IT ANYMORE!!!!! Calgon can't even get me out of this!!!
Monday, June 25, 2007
How could I forget?
Grandma is doing VERY well. She has her next chemo treatment tomorrow and they are very optimistic about it not affecting her this time like it did the last. She then has a scan (I think she said it will be an MRI) on, I believe she said July 18th to see how the chemo is working. It will be a long wait, but I am hopeful and optimistic that it will be good; just like Jacque's will be this week!!
I'm here
I have found that summer with my kids and daycare kids has left me little time (in a way, thankfully) to sit down and blog about our days, even after the kids have gone to bed. I love it when the day ends with a nasty, dirty bathtub that has to be emptied and rinsed midbath so that the kids really do get clean. I love it when they go to bed and literally crash into it, not to move again until morning. I love their little tan lines from playing in the sun all day and the tiny bug bites from the short period before I remember to get the bug spray at night. Ahhhh..... summer.
My sunburn is waning. Although still red, it IS turning tan. And it doesn't hurt as much as it did before. I find now the only time I think OW is when a child is using me as their jungle gym. I can handle that. Just can't believe how stupid I was last week when I got this blessed thing!! UGH!! Hopefully it's gone by Wednesday when we go to the zoo!!
This last week was great, sunburn and all. The weekend involved a house FULL of six children, all from the ages of 7 to 5 months. It was so much fun, I can't even begin to explain it. It's rare that you have that many kids in one place with no tears for 48 hours!
This morning, I was to have daycare kids dropped off at 6. This meant I needed to be up at 5 to shower and have a gallon of coffee before their arrival. (I am NOT a morning person) As I sat here at 6:15 checking emails wondering where they were, I got a flippin text from the mom saying that they wouldn't be here this morning because she didn't feel well. Look, lady.... you could have freakin told me BEFORE I got up and showered and had coffee and all that AN HOUR AGO!!! GGRRRRRRR!!! Ok.... **sigh**..... I digress.......
My sunburn is waning. Although still red, it IS turning tan. And it doesn't hurt as much as it did before. I find now the only time I think OW is when a child is using me as their jungle gym. I can handle that. Just can't believe how stupid I was last week when I got this blessed thing!! UGH!! Hopefully it's gone by Wednesday when we go to the zoo!!
This last week was great, sunburn and all. The weekend involved a house FULL of six children, all from the ages of 7 to 5 months. It was so much fun, I can't even begin to explain it. It's rare that you have that many kids in one place with no tears for 48 hours!
This morning, I was to have daycare kids dropped off at 6. This meant I needed to be up at 5 to shower and have a gallon of coffee before their arrival. (I am NOT a morning person) As I sat here at 6:15 checking emails wondering where they were, I got a flippin text from the mom saying that they wouldn't be here this morning because she didn't feel well. Look, lady.... you could have freakin told me BEFORE I got up and showered and had coffee and all that AN HOUR AGO!!! GGRRRRRRR!!! Ok.... **sigh**..... I digress.......
Friday, June 22, 2007
Uh oh
I just realized I haven't done my 30 things yet. I will get that posted by Sunday night. Have a houseful of company coming to see us starting this afternoon.
I am so flipping fried. I hurt. I mean I REALLY hurt. I am so stupid. Although, not really. I DID use sunscreen. Oh well. Thankfully I am one that burns then tans..... we'll see.
I am so flipping fried. I hurt. I mean I REALLY hurt. I am so stupid. Although, not really. I DID use sunscreen. Oh well. Thankfully I am one that burns then tans..... we'll see.
Thursday, June 21, 2007
Sun and fun
We were supposed to go to Omaha and go to the zoo today and I postponed those plans earlier in the week because my youngest two kids have had this awful cold that just wouldn't seem to let go and I was afraid that we would get in the middle of the zoo and they would decide they were done dealin'. Well, yesterday they woke up and seemed like they had never even been sick. How do they do that?!?!? Wish I had that power!!! Anyway....
One of my daycare moms called last night and wanted to know if the kids and I wanted to go to Pawnee lake with her and her 3 kids. Sounded like fun, but I would have to wait and see what they looked and felt like when they got up this morning. We got up and they were rarin to go. We headed out to the lake at about 1 and got home at 4:30. It was so much fun!!! The beach at that lake is PERFECT. Not trashy, not full of glass and nastiness on the lake bottom, just wonderful. I am FRIED. And tired. Poor Jenna (my three year old) was so tired that on the way home her eyes were glazed over and she couldn't even snap out of it to talk to me. She is now hard asleep on the couch for what I assume to be the duration of the night. Poor little thing. She had so much fun that she just couldn't stop moving. Zack and Addison, of course, had just as much fun and are both just as tired, but they won't stop for nothin', till Mommy says so at bedtime.
I always say that winter is my favorite season, and I stand by that. However, now that my babies are growing and I can actually go places with them without having to take two diaper bags (#2 and #3 are 16 months apart in age.... there was two diaper bags for about two years....), life is so much more FUN and we are able to do things that my husband and I did as kids, such as camping and going to the "beach".
As my Grandma Shafer says, "Ain't life grand??"
One of my daycare moms called last night and wanted to know if the kids and I wanted to go to Pawnee lake with her and her 3 kids. Sounded like fun, but I would have to wait and see what they looked and felt like when they got up this morning. We got up and they were rarin to go. We headed out to the lake at about 1 and got home at 4:30. It was so much fun!!! The beach at that lake is PERFECT. Not trashy, not full of glass and nastiness on the lake bottom, just wonderful. I am FRIED. And tired. Poor Jenna (my three year old) was so tired that on the way home her eyes were glazed over and she couldn't even snap out of it to talk to me. She is now hard asleep on the couch for what I assume to be the duration of the night. Poor little thing. She had so much fun that she just couldn't stop moving. Zack and Addison, of course, had just as much fun and are both just as tired, but they won't stop for nothin', till Mommy says so at bedtime.
I always say that winter is my favorite season, and I stand by that. However, now that my babies are growing and I can actually go places with them without having to take two diaper bags (#2 and #3 are 16 months apart in age.... there was two diaper bags for about two years....), life is so much more FUN and we are able to do things that my husband and I did as kids, such as camping and going to the "beach".
As my Grandma Shafer says, "Ain't life grand??"
Wednesday, June 20, 2007
Oh Sweet Jesus.....
We are going to the lake tomorrow. I love the lake. I HATE SWIMWEAR. I AM SO SCREWED!!! I would LOVE to go shopping for a new suit (haven't gotten one in.... well.... maybe 5-10 years??), but me alone in a fitting room trying on suits that I won't look good enough in with three kids there to critique me, yeah, not gonna happen. So, it's off to the lake we go, the kids looking adorable and fun in their swimwear and mommy looking all frumpy and yuck in hers. Maybe I will just have to spend the entire time in the water. There ya go.... in the murky water where no one will see me!!! Yeah!!! That's the ticket!!! :(
Tuesday, June 19, 2007
Need this doctor's number......
I hope this brightens your day like it did mine. Granted, it didn't originate in my brain, but it would be nice to live this way! LOL!! Enjoy! ~N~
HEALTH QUESTION & ANSWER SESSION
Q: I've heard that cardiovascular exercise can prolong life; is this true?
A: Your heart is only good for so many beats, and that's it... Don't waste them on exercise . Everything wears out eventually. Speeding up your heart will not make you live longer; that's like saying you can extend the life of your car by driving it faster. Want to live longer? Take a nap.
Q: Should I cut down on meat and eat more fruits and vegetables?
A: You must grasp logistical efficiencies. What does a cow eat? Hay and corn. And what are these? Vegetables. So a steak is nothing more than an efficient mechanism of delivering vegetables to your system. Need grain? Eat chicken. Beef is also a good source of field grass (green leafy vegetable). And a pork chop can give you 100% of your recommended daily allowance of vegetable products.
Q: Should I reduce my alcohol intake?
A: No, not at all. Wine is made from fruit. Brandy is distilled wine, that means they take the water out of the fruity bit so you get even more of the goodness that way. Beer is also made out of grain. Bottoms up!
Q: How can I calculate my body/fat ratio?
A: Well, if you have a body and you have fat, your ratio is one to one. If you have two bodies, your ratio is two to one, etc.
Q: What are some of the advantages of participating in a regular exercise program?
A: Can't think of a single one, sorry My philosophy is: No Pain...Good!
Q: Aren't fried foods bad for you?
A: You're not listening....Foods are fried these days in vegetable oil. In fact, they're permeated in it. How could getting more vegetables be bad for you?
Q: Will sit-ups help prevent me from getting a little soft around the middle?
A: Definitely not! When you exercise a muscle, it gets bigger. You should only be doing sit-ups if you want a bigger stomach.
Q: Is chocolate bad for me?
A: Are you crazy? HELLO Cocoa beans! Another vegetable. It's the best feel-good food around! !
Q: Is swimming good for your figure?
A: If swimming is good for your figure, explain whales to me.
Q: Is getting in-shape important for my lifestyle?
A: Hey! 'Round' is a shape! !
Well, I hope this has cleared up any misconceptions you may have had about food and diets.
HEALTH QUESTION & ANSWER SESSION
Q: I've heard that cardiovascular exercise can prolong life; is this true?
A: Your heart is only good for so many beats, and that's it... Don't waste them on exercise . Everything wears out eventually. Speeding up your heart will not make you live longer; that's like saying you can extend the life of your car by driving it faster. Want to live longer? Take a nap.
Q: Should I cut down on meat and eat more fruits and vegetables?
A: You must grasp logistical efficiencies. What does a cow eat? Hay and corn. And what are these? Vegetables. So a steak is nothing more than an efficient mechanism of delivering vegetables to your system. Need grain? Eat chicken. Beef is also a good source of field grass (green leafy vegetable). And a pork chop can give you 100% of your recommended daily allowance of vegetable products.
Q: Should I reduce my alcohol intake?
A: No, not at all. Wine is made from fruit. Brandy is distilled wine, that means they take the water out of the fruity bit so you get even more of the goodness that way. Beer is also made out of grain. Bottoms up!
Q: How can I calculate my body/fat ratio?
A: Well, if you have a body and you have fat, your ratio is one to one. If you have two bodies, your ratio is two to one, etc.
Q: What are some of the advantages of participating in a regular exercise program?
A: Can't think of a single one, sorry My philosophy is: No Pain...Good!
Q: Aren't fried foods bad for you?
A: You're not listening....Foods are fried these days in vegetable oil. In fact, they're permeated in it. How could getting more vegetables be bad for you?
Q: Will sit-ups help prevent me from getting a little soft around the middle?
A: Definitely not! When you exercise a muscle, it gets bigger. You should only be doing sit-ups if you want a bigger stomach.
Q: Is chocolate bad for me?
A: Are you crazy? HELLO Cocoa beans! Another vegetable. It's the best feel-good food around! !
Q: Is swimming good for your figure?
A: If swimming is good for your figure, explain whales to me.
Q: Is getting in-shape important for my lifestyle?
A: Hey! 'Round' is a shape! !
Well, I hope this has cleared up any misconceptions you may have had about food and diets.
Challenge accepted
I REALLY like the idea that Jacque came up with. 30 things to do. Ok. No problem. I may have to post them as I think of them and then do one big blog in the end though. Paper and pens don't last long in my house!! LOL!
Item #1: Getting rid of the husband. That will drop approximately 200 pounds. ;)
Ok.... I will think seriously and get on it. Thanks Jacque!!!
Item #1: Getting rid of the husband. That will drop approximately 200 pounds. ;)
Ok.... I will think seriously and get on it. Thanks Jacque!!!
Monday, June 18, 2007
Quitting
And I mean all of it. I am about to erase this blog. It's that simple. I am not doing well in this game called Life, let alone with all of the challenges I have put on myself. Even trying to make myself accountable isn't doing it. So..... until I get out of this valley, there pry won't be much from me on here. I am in an incredibly BAD mood about EVERYTHING right now and I don't care who knows it.
So be it.
So be it.
Sunday, June 17, 2007
A Superhero
.... I am not.
I was doing so well. I wasn't smoking. I went three days without a cigarette. Then things went really bad with Grandma and before I even knew it, I lit up. Ok. So.... I stepped back a little. No big deal. A battle lost... not the war. I look at people like Britney Spears and how many times she has had to go to rehab. This is my first time at bat on this battle without a little person growing inside me to make me quit. This isn't for anyone else, it's for ME. And that's what makes it so hard. I live my life for everyone else. I take care of my kids, husband, house, daycare, pets, other family members..... all of them come before me. The sad thing is, if I don't do this, I won't be able to take care of all those other things. So I HAVE to do this.
This weekend wasn't good for me. Tomorrow is back to square one. Although, Dad and I talked about it and we are in agreement that, even if it takes us a year to quit by cutting back first and ending with not smoking, it doesn't matter how we do it, it's that we DO do it. Make sense? It did help me. I was feeling like quite the loser this morning. Thank Goodness Daddy was here to pick me up, yet again.
So.... back to the drawing board. I WILL DO THIS. Don't get down on me.... I am beating myself up enough for all of us!!
GOOD NOTE!!!! Grandma is out of the hospital. They were waiting for her WBC to come back up to at least 500 so that she could go home, but still be in isolation there. Yesterday when they took it, it was around 300. Today they took it and it was at 7000. That isn't a typo. Not 700......7000!!! So, they are pretty certain that she is back from the ill and is going to recover well. They are also changing some of the meds (I think it's the meds that she takes along with the chemo, not the chemo itself) and they swore to all of us that this will NOT happen again. When I talked to Grandma yesterday, I asked her if she had any fight left at all. Her response: I'm a tough old broad, they aren't gonna get me down that easy!! So, she isn't giving up after all. And she did admit to me that there was a point (last Wednesday when I was there) that she was just waiting for God to take her. She thought she was going to die. But, she says, she is back and ready to give the cancer hell. So..... for now (For nows are what we live for anymore), things are good. VERY GOOD. GO GRANDMA!!! :D And.... thank you to anyone and everyone who has not only prayed for Grandma and all of us, but also to all of you who are helping ME survive this. I'll make it. She is the one that needs the support and prayers. And know that she thanks you too.
I am off to bed. Was a long weekend. I need a little ME TIME. Going to find a book and make a date with it!! ;) Good night and sweet dreams to all!
I was doing so well. I wasn't smoking. I went three days without a cigarette. Then things went really bad with Grandma and before I even knew it, I lit up. Ok. So.... I stepped back a little. No big deal. A battle lost... not the war. I look at people like Britney Spears and how many times she has had to go to rehab. This is my first time at bat on this battle without a little person growing inside me to make me quit. This isn't for anyone else, it's for ME. And that's what makes it so hard. I live my life for everyone else. I take care of my kids, husband, house, daycare, pets, other family members..... all of them come before me. The sad thing is, if I don't do this, I won't be able to take care of all those other things. So I HAVE to do this.
This weekend wasn't good for me. Tomorrow is back to square one. Although, Dad and I talked about it and we are in agreement that, even if it takes us a year to quit by cutting back first and ending with not smoking, it doesn't matter how we do it, it's that we DO do it. Make sense? It did help me. I was feeling like quite the loser this morning. Thank Goodness Daddy was here to pick me up, yet again.
So.... back to the drawing board. I WILL DO THIS. Don't get down on me.... I am beating myself up enough for all of us!!
GOOD NOTE!!!! Grandma is out of the hospital. They were waiting for her WBC to come back up to at least 500 so that she could go home, but still be in isolation there. Yesterday when they took it, it was around 300. Today they took it and it was at 7000. That isn't a typo. Not 700......7000!!! So, they are pretty certain that she is back from the ill and is going to recover well. They are also changing some of the meds (I think it's the meds that she takes along with the chemo, not the chemo itself) and they swore to all of us that this will NOT happen again. When I talked to Grandma yesterday, I asked her if she had any fight left at all. Her response: I'm a tough old broad, they aren't gonna get me down that easy!! So, she isn't giving up after all. And she did admit to me that there was a point (last Wednesday when I was there) that she was just waiting for God to take her. She thought she was going to die. But, she says, she is back and ready to give the cancer hell. So..... for now (For nows are what we live for anymore), things are good. VERY GOOD. GO GRANDMA!!! :D And.... thank you to anyone and everyone who has not only prayed for Grandma and all of us, but also to all of you who are helping ME survive this. I'll make it. She is the one that needs the support and prayers. And know that she thanks you too.
I am off to bed. Was a long weekend. I need a little ME TIME. Going to find a book and make a date with it!! ;) Good night and sweet dreams to all!
Thursday, June 14, 2007
Dieting to just blogging....
It seems that I haven't been using this blog for it's original purpose. Oh well.... winds of change.
Was just informed by a phone call from Mom that Grandma was admitted to the hospital this morning and they are only letting family in. Don't really know what this means. The doctors SAY that they are keeping her a minimum of 48 hours for observation and testing and that she is just in there because she is so dehydrated and tired. I guess we will see what the next couple of days hold.
Was just informed by a phone call from Mom that Grandma was admitted to the hospital this morning and they are only letting family in. Don't really know what this means. The doctors SAY that they are keeping her a minimum of 48 hours for observation and testing and that she is just in there because she is so dehydrated and tired. I guess we will see what the next couple of days hold.
More tears
I really am not trying to dwell. Today has just been rough. No sleep last night and another day with a full plate. I find myself having to excuse.... myself.... (sounds rather redundant) to the bathroom, locking the door, and losing it for a minute, then regrouping and coming back out to play. This is the beginning of a long road. So far, the acceptance is a long way away. I'm not ready. Again, selfish, but so is greiving. It's selfish. I don't want her to suffer. I don't want her to be sad or in pain or tired or any of the crap she is going through every day. But I DO want her to fight. I DO want to look back in 6 weeks and read this and say.... oh, look how sad all of that was, and now she is doing so much better! However, in reality, I know that those "better days" might be further and fewer inbetween. Maybe this is a small setback. Maybe we have weeks, maybe we have months, maybe.... just MAYBE.... we have years. But THIS is HARD. I find myself wondering what is worse, losing someone suddenly, or knowing that the time you have left may not be much. It hurts like Hell either way. The circle of life must be completed, that's just how it is. But that never makes it easier. NEVER. And there is the cliche.... why do bad things happen to good people? I can think of one person that could trade places with Grandma and I would be ok with that. The WORLD would be ok with that. And yet that person just keeps on living life without a care or problem in the world, while my grandmother, a woman of great conviction and faith, lies in a recliner in her home fighting for her life. (I must be angry.........)
Wednesday, June 13, 2007
ugh
Today wasn't good. It was good in the fact that I didn't smoke. Didn't even really have any urge to. But, Grandma is just so sick. She is so dehydrated that she had to have a fluid trasfusion in the amount of 2 liters today and another dose of the same amount tomorrow. She looks and sounds awful. She is so sick. So so sick.
Too many tears for one day. So many precious yet sad things. For instance my oldest daughter laying in the recliner with Grandma (the kids call her Darlin') cuddling and talking. It broke my heart. The reality that this may just be the last time Addison sees her. If she keeps going downhill, I don't know that Addison is near old enough to witness that. I want her to remember Grandma happy and full of life. So many decisions.
Another instance: I was told today that Grandma said, before even starting this round of chemo, that her gut is telling her she won't be here for Christmas this year. Did reading that make you feel a major blow to the heart??? Hearing it did me.
I can't type anymore. I am just sad. And ready to stop the reality. I didn't get any sleep last night due to dreams about Grandma that were so real that even waking up didn't help the realization that they were dreams and not reality sink in. Add to that a tearful day full of every emotion from joking with Grandma about things to crying behind closed doors while she was at the clinic getting fluids. She didn't see a single tear fall. And she won't. But......
Will she ever know what she means to me and our family?
Too many tears for one day. So many precious yet sad things. For instance my oldest daughter laying in the recliner with Grandma (the kids call her Darlin') cuddling and talking. It broke my heart. The reality that this may just be the last time Addison sees her. If she keeps going downhill, I don't know that Addison is near old enough to witness that. I want her to remember Grandma happy and full of life. So many decisions.
Another instance: I was told today that Grandma said, before even starting this round of chemo, that her gut is telling her she won't be here for Christmas this year. Did reading that make you feel a major blow to the heart??? Hearing it did me.
I can't type anymore. I am just sad. And ready to stop the reality. I didn't get any sleep last night due to dreams about Grandma that were so real that even waking up didn't help the realization that they were dreams and not reality sink in. Add to that a tearful day full of every emotion from joking with Grandma about things to crying behind closed doors while she was at the clinic getting fluids. She didn't see a single tear fall. And she won't. But......
Will she ever know what she means to me and our family?
A big test....
I have a mental map that tells me where to stop for smoke breaks when on road trips with my kids. It's sick. I can't believe how this habit has affected my life. It's just sick.
Anyway, the kids and I will be going to Hastings today to see my ailing Grandmother. I won't lie, I am nervous. I got a call that she has a bunch of stuff she wants to send home with me. Almost like she is saying Goodbye. I am not ready for this. Alas, there isn't an option.
The test will be 1) not stopping between my house and hers for anything other than potty breaks if needed for the kids and 2) not smoking when the sight of her upsets me; and it will. I won't have any cigarettes with me, however it isn't hard to go buy some either. That's what I am really afraid of. Walking over to the gas station when the going gets too rough.
Need to get in the shower. Will post tonight.
Anyway, the kids and I will be going to Hastings today to see my ailing Grandmother. I won't lie, I am nervous. I got a call that she has a bunch of stuff she wants to send home with me. Almost like she is saying Goodbye. I am not ready for this. Alas, there isn't an option.
The test will be 1) not stopping between my house and hers for anything other than potty breaks if needed for the kids and 2) not smoking when the sight of her upsets me; and it will. I won't have any cigarettes with me, however it isn't hard to go buy some either. That's what I am really afraid of. Walking over to the gas station when the going gets too rough.
Need to get in the shower. Will post tonight.
Tuesday, June 12, 2007
I so.....
FREAKING DID IT!!!!! Not smoked. I did it as in I went the entire day smoke free! Ok.... so I have been told that it takes about three days for the addiction to be over, the rest is all just the habit. So..... One day down, two to go. I am on it. Every time I got a craving today, I either went out to my smokin spot and ate some seeds or went on a walk around the block. Therefore, this has been good in more ways that one. I am not only stopping smoking, I am also exercising. BONUS!!! I'm off to bed. Just wanted to share my excitement.
I know I posted a lot today but it helped. It kept my hands busy and it was nice to vent. There will be many more in the next few days to follow, I am sure. Thank you to all who are reading this and helping me through everything that is on my plate right now. The going gets tough, the Tough get going!!!!
I know I posted a lot today but it helped. It kept my hands busy and it was nice to vent. There will be many more in the next few days to follow, I am sure. Thank you to all who are reading this and helping me through everything that is on my plate right now. The going gets tough, the Tough get going!!!!
Dear God,
I haven't a one smoke today. I don't want to have one. But....
I just got off the phone with my aunt. The kids and I are to be going to Hastings tomorrow to see Grandma. However, she isn't doing well. At all. Like really really bad. So it looks like I won't be going. I want to smoke. The craving is BAD. I made it through a pretty bad nic fit right after supper, but it was nothing like this. Oh God. Let her be ok. She doesn't even know I am doing this. She has no idea I am quitting. I was going to surprise her with it tomorrow and now I can't. I'm not being selfish here. I know it sounds like I am. But, she would be so happy to know that I am quitting. She would be thrilled to know how great of a day I am having. And she would be PISSED if she knew that this news is why I wanted to have one after such a strong day of saying NO. I won't smoke. I want to, but I won't. I refuse. GOD GIVE ME STRENGTH. I CAN DO ALL THINGS THROUGH HIM...... This is nothing compared to what she is going through... shut up and get over it.
I'm going for a walk. Please pray for my Grandma. PLEASE!!!!
I just got off the phone with my aunt. The kids and I are to be going to Hastings tomorrow to see Grandma. However, she isn't doing well. At all. Like really really bad. So it looks like I won't be going. I want to smoke. The craving is BAD. I made it through a pretty bad nic fit right after supper, but it was nothing like this. Oh God. Let her be ok. She doesn't even know I am doing this. She has no idea I am quitting. I was going to surprise her with it tomorrow and now I can't. I'm not being selfish here. I know it sounds like I am. But, she would be so happy to know that I am quitting. She would be thrilled to know how great of a day I am having. And she would be PISSED if she knew that this news is why I wanted to have one after such a strong day of saying NO. I won't smoke. I want to, but I won't. I refuse. GOD GIVE ME STRENGTH. I CAN DO ALL THINGS THROUGH HIM...... This is nothing compared to what she is going through... shut up and get over it.
I'm going for a walk. Please pray for my Grandma. PLEASE!!!!
Weird......
Ok, so pretty much every time I have quit smoking, I thought that the reason the food tasted so different was because I was pregnant. Anyone who has ever been pregnant can relate to this thinking, smoker or not. All senses are heightened when you are expecting, and I honestly thought that was why food tasted so different. For instance: Salt. NO SALT. It made me sick to my stomach. Funny thing I noticed tonight during my supper: SALT!!! And I mean TONS of salt. Normally, I am a salt lover. I love chips, nuts, anything salty. It seems this may no longer be. The previous diversions to salt weren't because I was pregnant, it was because I wasn't smoking and was actually tasting the food and what was really being put into my mouth. Tonight we just had leftovers. A couple of nights ago, I made tacos. I normally use the taco seasoning packets from the store. The first night we had tacos, they tasted wonderful. And I honestly LOVE leftover tacos. It's like the longer the meat marinades in that seasoning the better..... or so I used to think. I made a simple meat and cheese softshell. I seriously took a huge drink of water with every single bite of the taco and ended up only eating maybe half of the taco. I thought I was going to be violently ill. I threw the rest away and made a salad. Again.... I normally have to put a little extra dressing on my salad so that I can taste it. Not the case tonight. Although the salad was wonderful, I will have to be mindful in the future of how much dressing I am using (Side note: Wish Bone Hazelnut Raspberry Vinegarette is WONDERFUL!!!! MMMMMM!!!!!!).
Ok, so technically, today is my FIRST smoke free day. Granted I haven't gone to bed yet, but I don't even feel the urge to smoke. I gave in last night. It got to be too much for me to handle. So I ended up smoking maybe a total of 5 or 6 last night. However, this morning I woke up and felt like a$$. And I haven't had one since last night at about 10. So far, so good. I am doing it. I vow to not smoke tonight. I won't. If I think I "need" one, I will go for a walk or something. I WILL NOT SMOKE. I AM NO LONGER A SMOKER!!!! A BIG step today: I was in Jeremy's car without any kids, which is usually a green light to light up. I even took the pack with me, thinking if it got too bad I would take a couple drags and snuff it out. I didn't even think about it the whole time I was out and actually even forgot that I had taken them with me. YAY ME!!! :D
Ok, so technically, today is my FIRST smoke free day. Granted I haven't gone to bed yet, but I don't even feel the urge to smoke. I gave in last night. It got to be too much for me to handle. So I ended up smoking maybe a total of 5 or 6 last night. However, this morning I woke up and felt like a$$. And I haven't had one since last night at about 10. So far, so good. I am doing it. I vow to not smoke tonight. I won't. If I think I "need" one, I will go for a walk or something. I WILL NOT SMOKE. I AM NO LONGER A SMOKER!!!! A BIG step today: I was in Jeremy's car without any kids, which is usually a green light to light up. I even took the pack with me, thinking if it got too bad I would take a couple drags and snuff it out. I didn't even think about it the whole time I was out and actually even forgot that I had taken them with me. YAY ME!!! :D
Monday, June 11, 2007
Doing it....
Today is my first day smoke free. It was supposed to be yesterday. I didn't do so hot. I think I had 6 by the time the day was over. However.... today.... I am totally doing it. It is now 2:30 and I haven't had one yet. Why??? BECAUSE I FRIGGEN ROCK!!! Well.... today I do anyway. Funny thing is, I think I will still be able to do the weight thing and the smoking thing. I haven't had the hand to mouth urge AT ALL today. This is going to be nice. Oh so nice. Will update tonight and see what has happened by then. I am determined. I am.
Sunday, June 10, 2007
Retail Therapy
Today I retail therapied my ass off. LB rocks so much that I am seriously thinking about NOT losing weight!! Ok.... losing SOME but not enough that I can't wear their clothes anymore. In all honesty, their smallest size is the smallest that I have been in almost 10 years. Since before kids. So.... when I lose my 30, I should still be able to buy there. And that makes me happy. I will be the smallest one in the store instead of one of the inbetweeners.
I got an AWESOME top for a wedding tomorrow and I also got myself three tanks (which looked a LOT better than I thought they would!) and some SUPER cute capris that were ON SALE!!! Sorry Mel.... they didn't have any Bermudas!! I looked. I looked HARD. The only thing that they had in my size (which, according to the sales lady is the most popular size in that store) were the capris that I bought. However..... they ROCK! And with the tanks I got.... I am actually a somewhat hip mom!!! LOL!!! Thirty is the new twenty, right?!?!?
On a sadder note, although I haven't ever bought bottoms of any type there, the size I had to buy today in the capris was a size bigger than what I normally buy at, say, Walmart. The tops, however, were smaller than most other places I shop. Nay, EVERY other place I shop. Explain that. The tops there fit me smaller and the pants are bigger. Ugh. Whatever. I am happy. for now. Until I undergrow (not outgrow) them. Then.... back for more retail therapy. (That and drying the capris I got today on HIGH so they will still fit!! LOL!!)
P.S. I really did try to find the things I bought online so that I could post pics. The only thing that was on there was the tanks. Pretty sure you all know what a tank looks like!!
I got an AWESOME top for a wedding tomorrow and I also got myself three tanks (which looked a LOT better than I thought they would!) and some SUPER cute capris that were ON SALE!!! Sorry Mel.... they didn't have any Bermudas!! I looked. I looked HARD. The only thing that they had in my size (which, according to the sales lady is the most popular size in that store) were the capris that I bought. However..... they ROCK! And with the tanks I got.... I am actually a somewhat hip mom!!! LOL!!! Thirty is the new twenty, right?!?!?
On a sadder note, although I haven't ever bought bottoms of any type there, the size I had to buy today in the capris was a size bigger than what I normally buy at, say, Walmart. The tops, however, were smaller than most other places I shop. Nay, EVERY other place I shop. Explain that. The tops there fit me smaller and the pants are bigger. Ugh. Whatever. I am happy. for now. Until I undergrow (not outgrow) them. Then.... back for more retail therapy. (That and drying the capris I got today on HIGH so they will still fit!! LOL!!)
P.S. I really did try to find the things I bought online so that I could post pics. The only thing that was on there was the tanks. Pretty sure you all know what a tank looks like!!
Trying.... Really really trying
Today is SUPPOSED to be the first day I go without a cigarette. I am trying. I really am. But I have to tell you I am staring Adversity straight in the eye and I don't know if I can do it today.
I told a "friend" that I would watch her son (whom I used to babysit from birth to 18 months) while her and her boyfriend went to Omaha to various events. I had him over night. No big deal. I knew they would be up all night and I had (and still don't have) absolutely no problem with it. It was actually fun. We played in the pool, made cookies..... it was fun.
Until this morning. He woke up at 7. I had him throw his pullup away and he ate a PopTart. So far, so good. Then I went downstairs to throw my clothes in the dryer so I had something clean to wear today. I heard Zack screaming and gagging in the bathroom. This child decided that, rather than #1 and #2 on the TOILET, he would do it ALL OVER my bathroom floor. Not just one spot. EVERYWHERE. It's bad enough when I have to wipe one of my own kids. Picking up shit that was large enough to be from an adult bowel was more than I could handle. And the mother won't answer her phone. This is the last time for THIS family.....
I still haven't had a smoke. But I can't make any promises the way this day has started.
I told a "friend" that I would watch her son (whom I used to babysit from birth to 18 months) while her and her boyfriend went to Omaha to various events. I had him over night. No big deal. I knew they would be up all night and I had (and still don't have) absolutely no problem with it. It was actually fun. We played in the pool, made cookies..... it was fun.
Until this morning. He woke up at 7. I had him throw his pullup away and he ate a PopTart. So far, so good. Then I went downstairs to throw my clothes in the dryer so I had something clean to wear today. I heard Zack screaming and gagging in the bathroom. This child decided that, rather than #1 and #2 on the TOILET, he would do it ALL OVER my bathroom floor. Not just one spot. EVERYWHERE. It's bad enough when I have to wipe one of my own kids. Picking up shit that was large enough to be from an adult bowel was more than I could handle. And the mother won't answer her phone. This is the last time for THIS family.....
I still haven't had a smoke. But I can't make any promises the way this day has started.
Wednesday, June 6, 2007
Mad
At the whole world. Seriously. Part of my problem is that I give and I give and no one ever gives back when I need. So.... I turn to things like cigarettes and beer to take my pissiness away. One of those is soon to be gone. I really am fine with that. I can handle it. But.... along with the smokes is going to have to go the stresses. This shit of having parents that bring sick kids to my house (yes.... AGAIN with this....) and just expect me to take them in. Like I am some sort of sickhouse that they can come get care in. This is a DAYCARE not a NURSING HOME!!! I went off on one of my daycare moms today. She works at the school as a para. It's the last day of school. One of her kids has a fever for which she took her to the doctor yesterday and she has a virus and the other kid has diarrhea. WONDERFUL. I have a ton of things to do for the last day of school. A gift to buy for the teacher whom we have had since Kindergarten and have to say goodbye to today (I'm sad, and so is Addison). Treats to buy for the class because I love them all and Addison asked me very kindly this morning if I would do so. No problem. Except that now, rather than my normal brood of children (including daycare), I have one extra kid and of all four, two are freakin sick. I have no choice. MY CHILD comes first. Thus, I must suck it up and go. Forge through. Again. For what? Not even a thank you from the mother. It's just EXPECTED. All so she can go have fun and sit in a lounge all day and eat junk food with her coworkers while someone else takes care of her SICK kids. I give up.
Tuesday, June 5, 2007
Because....
I SUCK.
Seriously. I am sucking so bad at the weight thing this last, oh, 4-5 days that I can't muster up the guts to get on the scale either. One of my partners in this "marathon" as we call it is going through it too. I am hoping that it's just the spring fever that has us. As soon as school is out for my daughter (tomorrow is the last day!!), we will be taking family bike rides, etc. It WILL be done. As God as my witness.... this WILL happen.
Now is NOT the time to be getting down.... I have, have, HAVE to lose the weight and stop smoking. I am just too "instant results" oriented. It's that simple. I need to change my mindset. I have to. And I AM.
Taking the Chantix. It's hard to tell if it's working or not, as I have only been on it three days and am still on the lowest end of the dosage. Tomorrow the dose goes up. I will most likely start to see things happening then. I hope. No.... I WILL.
Note: This isn't something that has to or even can be done in a matter of a couple of days. These are two MAJOR life changes. They both take time to fix. To fix FOREVER, not just for today.
Seriously. I am sucking so bad at the weight thing this last, oh, 4-5 days that I can't muster up the guts to get on the scale either. One of my partners in this "marathon" as we call it is going through it too. I am hoping that it's just the spring fever that has us. As soon as school is out for my daughter (tomorrow is the last day!!), we will be taking family bike rides, etc. It WILL be done. As God as my witness.... this WILL happen.
Now is NOT the time to be getting down.... I have, have, HAVE to lose the weight and stop smoking. I am just too "instant results" oriented. It's that simple. I need to change my mindset. I have to. And I AM.
Taking the Chantix. It's hard to tell if it's working or not, as I have only been on it three days and am still on the lowest end of the dosage. Tomorrow the dose goes up. I will most likely start to see things happening then. I hope. No.... I WILL.
Note: This isn't something that has to or even can be done in a matter of a couple of days. These are two MAJOR life changes. They both take time to fix. To fix FOREVER, not just for today.
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