Keeping you posted

I was asked not to say anything because it's to the point that some things really need to be kept to family now. However, we are all family here, so I will tell you.

This is sad. We knew it was coming. But it came so fast it seems.

Today, my two aunts and grandma went to the doctor and were informed there is nothing more they can do. No more therapy. No more chemo. The end of the road. Six months tops.

She will be going back to the Homestead for her final weeks/months. Hospice is being contacted and this is how she will leave this world.

Grandma says no more crying. It's time to celebrate. It's time to "get busy livin". AMEN. I am going to LIVE with my grandma. We are going for walks. We are going to pray. We are going to CELEBRATE her upcoming new life. I hope that you all will help me. Don't mourn her yet. Praise God that she is doing this with such dignity. She is a true testament to Faith. Someone we can all learn from.

I will keep posting about my visits with her. I want it documented for when she is gone and I miss her. I want to look back and remember this remarkable woman. I don't want to remember the frail, sick woman she is today. I want to remember the woman that tells me I am "spoiled" because I get to pick what we watch on tv or eat for supper. I want to remember the woman who went to such lengths to get me a Cabbage Patch Doll for Christmas when I was a child and thought there wasn't any way possible. I want to remember.

It won't be long and she will finally meet the woman I told her I learned so much from when our visits started. Miss Jacque. Praise God. They will have some FUN in their special little corner of Heaven.

Good day

My brother got here Friday afternoon and we got to hang out just him and I and the kids. It was awesome. I wish I would have taken a picture of the kids' faces when he pulled up. Pure happiness.

On Saturday, we met up with our two great aunts and one of our great uncles at the Cracker B@rrel for lunch. We had some really good laughs there too. It's so nice to see them. We hadn't seen Uncle Bill and Aunt Elaine since '01 or '02, so they had never met Zack and Jenna. Needless to say, they fell in love with them. After lunch, Rob and I took off for Hastings to see Grandma and help clean out her house some. It amazes me how some people can go to something like that and sit on the front porch and drink beer all day without lifting a finger and then when the work is done complain that they need to go for a walk or do something because all they have done is sit all day. Amazing. Absolutely amazing.

When we went out to see Grandma, it was rather hard on Rob. He hasn't seen her since the benefit in Doniphan and her decline has been very rapid since then. At one point, he had to leave the room. We took her out to sit in the sun, which was a lot of fun actually. She cracked me up a few times making her underhanded comments about afore mentioned "sitters". She decided she needed a cigarette which caused a slight uproar yet again with said "sitters", but she won. As I said, at this point, what does it matter? I mean really. Am I wrong? The woman is dying for God's sake. Shut up and leave her alone. Enough is enough, and pick your friggen battles. I, of course, was the one that got the flack for it, even though SHE is the one that made the demands and someone else was the one that enabled her. But, me being the only smoker in the group, I handed the cigarettes to the driver of the vehicle she went for a smoke in. And it was all MY fault. Never mind that I was the one that initially told her no. I did give in when she was so adamant about it. You would think that these people would think more about the fact that my poor brother had to carry his grandmother a few times because she couldn't walk. You would think that they would look at her and think "let her do it, if it makes her happy, even for five minutes". But no. They think about themselves and the fact that she is smoking in their precious car. Whatever. I digress.

Jeremy and my parents and my dad's sisters are all at the house again today trying to finish up as much as possible. It's killing me just sitting here with the kids. I want to be there. For my Dad. This is so hard on him. I just want to make him laugh. Or at least be there to calm the storm that is about to arise. Oh well. Pray. That will help, right????

She would know

I know I didn't know her as well as most. That didn't matter. To say hello, you knew who she was and that she cared more than most people you will know your entire life. Miss Jacque.

I find myself really missing her words of wisdom lately. All of the support I get is astounding, don't misunderstand me. But she was there. In the situation. Dealing with it herself. I keep going back to read her postings so that I can hear what she would be saying to me right now, could she answer my emails. Stay strong Nikki. It's ok to cry. It's ok to laugh. It's ok to be angry. It's ok to ask why. Never look away from God. Why is it that I know, deep in my heart, that she IS here and is likely checking in on my grandma and there are times I swear I can hear her say things to me or even feel her hand on my shoulder as I shudder with sobs, and yet..... I miss her?!?!

I am trying, Dear Jacque. I really am. And I am doing it. Most days. I know you were here on Saturday. I felt you. I didn't realize it at that moment, and I am sorry. But I did hear you. I did feel you. I wish you were here.

I wish...................

Just another update

Grandma is now at Perkins Pavillion at Good Samaritan Village. We are hoping it is temporary. While she was in the hospital she was refusing to do her physical therapy so they moved her there so that she doesn't have the option. Why they were allowing her the option at the hospital is a little baffling to all of us, but whatever. Now, she is doing intense physical, occupational, and speech therapies twice a day, five days a week. On top of that, she is getting fluids twice a week. Again, why she wasn't getting fluids at the hospital is baffling. She is very withdrawn and somewhat depressed about being at Perkins. She is also figuring out that something isn't "clicking" in her mind at times. She still hasn't been told about the atrophy. But she knows something isn't right.

Rob and I are going Saturday to see her and as far as Sunday, either Jeremy or I will be going. That has yet to be decided. Then next week I am hoping to start up my weekly visits with her again. She will be VERY down once her sisters leave on Saturday. I hope I can heal a little of that for her.

That's all for now. I am planning a nice night of sitting on the couch until bedtime. This gray gloomy weather can make one rather tired!

Just when I think I am going to cry....

My cat decide she can play the piano. We have had Grandma Shafer's piano since last summer and not once has the cat touched it. Now, in the last two days, she has decided she is going to learn to play. She will sit with her hind legs on the bench and use her front paws to push the keys. And she doesn't just do one key. Oh no, she moves her paw up and down the keyboard and even switches paws every now and then or will just put both up there and plunk a few dozen keys and then looks to make sure we are watching her. When she sees us looking, she will play a couple more, look again, and get down, as if embarrassed. It's awesome. And to hear Jenna laughing at her makes it even better. Thank God for the small things!

Thank God

My brother is coming home this weekend!!!! I NEED TO SEE HIM SO BADLY!!!! I have felt like I am drowning in an ocean, all alone and floundering for someone to know how I am feeling and is going through the same things I am. And here he comes. My hero. My knight in shining armor. My baby brother. Oh how I love him. I can't wait. Only 4 more days. Only 4. I can make it.

It's real

I saw my grandma today for the first time in at least a month. She is dying. There is no denying it when one looks at her. It's true. She is nothing but skin and bones. She looks awful. She is somewhat lucid, it's hit and miss, minute to minute. I can't type. I know where the keys are but can't see the screen through the tears. Please pray.