Happy and Sad

I love the Holidays. I really really do. These days, the shopping doesn't even really bother me.... even though Black Friday is not something I ever hope to be a part of. I love to watch people in the malls. I am one of those people that when I am done shopping, and sometimes before I even start, I will go get a coffee and sit on a bench and just watch the people as they pass. Some hurried, some laughing, most with huge bags of goodies for their loved ones. Wrapping stations concealing the prizes to be put under the tree. The carols in church. The candlelight service at my childhood church.

And that is where the tears come. The candlelight service. So many memories. Mostly good. But now, somehow a twinge of sad.

This time of year makes me miss my Grandpa and Uncle terribly. I look at my children and the children that surround us on my favorite night of the year and I think of how they don't get to watch the wrapping paper turn the flames to various colors in the fireplace. They don't get to hear Santa and the reindeer land on the roof (as uncles almost fall off said snow covered roof.... all for the entertainment of their nieces and nephews). They DO get to see the Christmas tree being buried by gifts as people file in to congregate. They DO get Dangler caramels. But they don't get to experience the entire Shafer Christmas Eve as I did.

As we grow older, people are unable to come. The people that help me to sing the Alto line of Silent Night as an uncle's beautiful bass voice sings in a pew across the aisle and the rest of the congregation sings the melody. Something that brought my Grandpa to tears and does the same to me now, as we all pass the light to those we love next to us with our burning white wax. Remember the hair burning Christmas Eve, girls? Laughter through tears.

I also realize that there is a very strong possibility that this is my Grandma's last Christmas. I want it to be fun. I want lots of laughter. And there will be.... along with the fear that one of my children might get a sniffle and cause her to get pneumonia. It will be wonderful. And it will be sad. And there will be love. And that, dear friends is what matters the most. Love. Laughter.