Regret

I hope this late post doesn't seem cliche. But I have to get it off my chest.

She is gone. And as I read the postings about this loss, there is one image that keeps playing through my mind. It has been since it happened. I had hoped that it wouldn't be the way it all ended, but alas, that hope didn't come true.

The last time I saw Jacque was in October in Omaha in the driveway at Mel's. As we were all walking in the house and she was sitting in the car, I turned back to say "see you later" one more time. She reached out her hand. I thought it was just to wave one more time. But as I turned my back, I realized that it wasn't to wave. It was to touch one more time. Not really a shaking of hands, but more so a holding. A pat. One more human touch between friends. By the time I figured it out, they were backing down the drive and it was too late. Not really too late though. Mark would have stopped so that I could hug her. He wouldn't have thought twice. But, I didn't try. And now, I will never again see her face. I will never again get to hug her. I will never again get to pat her hand. And for that, I carry regret.

I pray that she knows how much she means to me, how much she really did change me. Change for the better. I find myself thinking "What would Jacque do to make these kids see that (enter circumstance here)?". I miss her. I hope she knows. I hope when she is looking down, she isn't disappointed.

Grief. Regret. Bummer.