I want I want I want I want
Cry scream fight cry scream fight cry scream fight
This is the story of my life these days with my wonderful children. I love them, that was never in question. But I have to say that I don't know how much more of this I can take. I really mean that. This isn't just a minor meltdown, this is a full fledged problem. I read books. I ask for advice. I try everything. That makes me sound inconsistant. I am very consistant. When I try something new I will try it for a few months before giving up on it. I have tried everything from ignoring to calmly talking to spanking..... nothing is getting through. Had I EVER acted this way or treated my parents like this, I wouldn't be alive to tell you about my problems. I would honestly be 6 feet under via the hand of my father. How is it that spanking is so wrong now? I am not talking about an all out beating, I am talking about a swat on the a$$ that I think most of us received from our parents. How is it that if I swat my child I will go to flipping jail?!?!?
Anyway... my question is this: How did my parents and my aunts and uncles all get us kids to respect our elders? How did they instill that fear of "the look"? I did get spanked as a child, this I have already admitted. But it wasn't like I got it all the time. Quite the opposite. I think I can maybe remember getting it two or three times in my life. But all it took was that look from my mother or the "HEY!" from my father and we snapped to a tension in a split second.
One thing that is different in my children's lives is that their dad's presence is inconsistant. By that I don't mean he isn't a part of their lives or mine, I mean that he is a truck driver and his schedule is awful and never, ever, ever the same. Is that part of the problem? I don't see how, because when I look back at my childhood, most of my family were farmers or in said industry, thus taking them out of the home for a month at a time. (Not that they were never home, they were just home after us kids went to bed and back to work in the fields (or Grandpa's shop) again when we awoke.) I just don't get it. I want my kids to be happy. I want to be happy. This is one of the things that I posted about with my 30 things. I am losing. I am losing rapidly. My children's childhoods are at stake here. It isn't looking good. I am a bad mom. Don't say I'm not. I know I am. I am short tempered. I am short fused. I am lazy. I am boring. I just freakin suck.
WHAT DO I DO?!?!?!?
5 comments:
Oh dear. Don't panic! You provide love and comfort. Even if you are not able to run households like out mothers did (I mean really, who can compete?), you are fine. Being a non-mommy, all I can provide is support.....but you are fine.
First - take a breath!
Secondly - here is some 'advice':
1. Quit yelling. Yelling upsets you and upsets the kids. If you keep the loud stern voice for when things are really bad - then it will mean a lot more.
2. Step back - are you sure what the kids are doing is really so bad or does it not fit your vision of what your kids/family should be like? If you have too high of standards you are just setting everyone up to fail - including yourself.
3. Don't accept lip. If you accept lip sometimes and not others that is confusing.
3. Figure out what the kids don't like the most and make that their punishment. When mine were little it was being sent to their room (I literally had to lock the door to keep the older one in - he was WAY stubborn). Make the length of the punishment appropriate for age - five minutes when they are toddlers - add time as they age.
As they aged they had to do manual labor for punishment - like scrub a toilet or scrub their bathroom sink.
Even older, it was losing cherished nintendo or computer time - or time out with friends.
On trips I had incentive money. They would start with X amount in an envelope and would lose or gain according to behavior. They got what ever was left in the envelope once we got home.
4. Analyse the situation. Why is it happening? Are the kids fighting? If so, ask yourself why? Are they bored? Looking for your attention? Missing their dad? Maybe ask a close friend or relative to help you do this - and then listen without excuses. It is easy to think we are doing everything right when we are in the thick of it. An outside opinion would be great IF you listen with out excuse.
5. Make sure your words are validating and positive as much as possible. Don't belittle siblings in front of each other - this just gives them ammo. Don't talk about their ill behavior to others in their presence - you set up self fulling prophecy!
Instead, point out each kids good qualities to the others. Make them say nice things about each other - especially if they have said something hurtful.
Make sure they feel loved and secure. Watch for words that might confuse or worry them (like you are going to move out). Tell them they are loved - often. Treat them for no reason - often.
6. Don't fight with hubby in front of kids. Again confusing, scary and fodder for bad behavior when he is not around. If you have something to say - save it for when the kids aren't around or ask him to step into the next room.
7. Finally - kids are kids. They are going to squabble and have knock down drag outs. It is part of establishing their place in the intricately woven fabric of family. Sometimes - if no blood will be drawn - let them squabble (I did this when my youngest was finally old enough to get back at his 3 1/2 year older brother. Sometimes it is good to turn a deaf ear).
Hope this isn't too long. There are so many things I wish I had done differently when my kids were growing up. The main ones are 1. yell less 2. laugh with them more 3. worry less about the housework.
I have been trying really hard this week to be positive, stay calm, and tune in to my kids. To not be distracted by other things (phone, email, etc). I think this would help you too. I've seen you in action, you've always got 10 things going at once. Drop it all. Sit on the floor of your living room and tune it. I think you'll find doing that for a part of every hour will do wonders. It has for me just this week, now that I'm really trying. This means no texting, emails, phone. Squat. Only the kids. See what happens - you might be surprised.
Good luck. I know just how you feel - I'm in the thick of it.
Got to thinking, I hope you didn't take my comment to say I think you are doing anything wrong now...don't take it PERSONALLY! I'm only sharing an a-ha moment I've had for myself this week. Something I thought you might try. Not that I don't think you spend time with your kids...I know you spend ALL your time with the kids. So don't be hurt by my comment, I hope you weren't!!!
OM.... was not hurt in the least. You hit the nail on the head. I do have 20 irons in the fire at once, 24/7. It tends to suck, and bad. Oh well I guess that this is the life the 21st century has brought us to. It's just a matter of unplugging.
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