Grandma went in to talk to her oncologist today. They talked about how Grandma is done with treatments and she didn't want to take this pill that would hopefully retard the growth of the tumors. It wouldn't have shrunk them, but it would hopefully slow the growth. Well Grandma has a friend who is on said pill and the side effects are not worth it. As I have said before, it's the quality, not quantity, at this point. She was, however, open to any experimental drugs that might be out there. As she said, if it will help someone down the road survive to spend more time with their families, she is willing to try it.
Grandma and the oncologist talked about what to expect. I won't go into detail, but she knew what was ahead of her as she left the doctor's office.
When Grandma got home, there was a message on her answering machine from the receptionist, Donna, at the oncologist's office, asking her to please call Dr Bruno as soon as she got home. So Grandma called and they put her straight through to the doctor. Dr. Bruno answered the phone with the question, "Barb, do you believe in angels?". "Yes", Grandma replied. "When you left this afternoon, "something" kept telling me that I needed to look into this more, that this couldn't be the end for you. So, I went and got all of the scans and looked them all over again. The radiologist was wrong, Barb. They were reading the original scan, not the recent one. Your tumors have, in fact, shrunk by 25-50%. Would you be willing to start chemo again on Wednesday so we can beat this thing?" Did she really have to ask that?!?!? OF COURSE SHE WOULD DO IT!!!
My grandmother, with a new sense of hope, will be restarting her chemo on Wednesday. One of my wise aunts once told me, "When God answers prayers and gives you a miracle, you never ask why, you just simply say THANK YOU." THANK YOU, GOD. THANK YOU to EVERYONE who has said even just one prayer for my grandma Barb. THANK YOU for just this little ray of hope. THANK YOU for more time, even if it is only a couple of months.
THANK YOU!!!!!
Monday, July 30, 2007
Friday, July 27, 2007
Hi
I really don't have a whole lot to talk about. I just realized I haven't posted in a few days and thought it was due time.
This weekend isn't full of things to do at all. My husband is in Osh Kosh, Wisconsin, with his older brother at an air show. I guess it's quite the show, and Greg has been wanting Jeremy to go as long as I can remember, so they are headed. I hope they have fun. I won't try and hide the fact that I am VERY jealous, as I sit here yet again alone with the kids. No money to do anything because he is, I am sure, going to find something to spend every last penny we have on. Oh well.
I hope you all have a wonderful weekend!! Can't wait to read the posts about it all in the end! Hugs to all!
This weekend isn't full of things to do at all. My husband is in Osh Kosh, Wisconsin, with his older brother at an air show. I guess it's quite the show, and Greg has been wanting Jeremy to go as long as I can remember, so they are headed. I hope they have fun. I won't try and hide the fact that I am VERY jealous, as I sit here yet again alone with the kids. No money to do anything because he is, I am sure, going to find something to spend every last penny we have on. Oh well.
I hope you all have a wonderful weekend!! Can't wait to read the posts about it all in the end! Hugs to all!
Tuesday, July 24, 2007
Hand,
Foot, and Mouth Disease. Look it up. It sucks. Especially when you have three children that come down with it all at once. UGH
Rewind back to last week. Monday night Jenna is eating her supper and starts bawling like a scalded cat. (Mind you I have never seen or heard a scalded cat, but you get the point) She came running saying she had an owie. So I had her show me. She pulled out her lower lip and there was what I thought was a canker sore. No big deal, I thought, it will go away in a couple of days, and until then, just bland foods for Jenna. Then came Tuesday night when Zack started whining that his throat hurt. We had just spent the afternoon at the lake so I figured he was just overly tired and would see what happened the following day. Wednesday he was pretty lethargic and by Wednesday night he was shivering and shaking so bad (but not running a fever) that it took me over three hours to get him to stop. It was really sad. Thursday morning, Addison woke up saying her throat hurt now. THAT'S IT!! WE ARE GOING TO THE DOCTOR!!! Went in and had throat cultures run (via the suggestion of an intern), and when the doctor came in, she took one look and said no, it was HFMD. What's that?!?! Well, it's these awful ulcerations (that look a lot like puss pockets associated with strep) all over the mouth and throat. It CAN spread to the hands and feet. THANK GOD that it never went past the mouth and throat with my three. It has been a long week, but all is now well and luckily none of my daycare kids got it! The best part about this sickness is that, much like chicken pox, once you get it you won't get it again. So, I won't ever have to do this again! THANK GOODNESS!!!
Also, I talked to Grandma today. It's just odd. She is really at peace. I can't even explain it. She is past all the meds and doctors and just enjoying life. And I mean REALLY enjoying life. The way we all should. She is noticing things like birds singing in the morning and breezes touching her face. She does have to go to a neurologist tomorrow because she fell a couple of days ago and they can't quite figure out what happened. Her right leg just basically stopped working for a few minutes. It's kinda weird. She and I had a really great talk though. She just flat out said she is done. So, I said.... OK, Grandma, then let's get to living. To which she replied... Yes, let's. So there we have it. I asked her a lot of things that, this is going to sound morbid, I have always wondered when one is faced with Death. Questions like: Are you afraid of dying? What is the worst part of all of this for you? Are you in pain? She is so wonderful. She answered everything. She is not afraid of dying, she just doesn't want to say goodbye. She isn't in pain, she is just tired (which we decided has to be because the chemo is not all out of her system yet). Yet another wonderful conversation and memory to add to the collection of my Grandma Wells. Although one day I will miss her terribly, I am looking forward to helping make more memories while we have her here.
Rewind back to last week. Monday night Jenna is eating her supper and starts bawling like a scalded cat. (Mind you I have never seen or heard a scalded cat, but you get the point) She came running saying she had an owie. So I had her show me. She pulled out her lower lip and there was what I thought was a canker sore. No big deal, I thought, it will go away in a couple of days, and until then, just bland foods for Jenna. Then came Tuesday night when Zack started whining that his throat hurt. We had just spent the afternoon at the lake so I figured he was just overly tired and would see what happened the following day. Wednesday he was pretty lethargic and by Wednesday night he was shivering and shaking so bad (but not running a fever) that it took me over three hours to get him to stop. It was really sad. Thursday morning, Addison woke up saying her throat hurt now. THAT'S IT!! WE ARE GOING TO THE DOCTOR!!! Went in and had throat cultures run (via the suggestion of an intern), and when the doctor came in, she took one look and said no, it was HFMD. What's that?!?! Well, it's these awful ulcerations (that look a lot like puss pockets associated with strep) all over the mouth and throat. It CAN spread to the hands and feet. THANK GOD that it never went past the mouth and throat with my three. It has been a long week, but all is now well and luckily none of my daycare kids got it! The best part about this sickness is that, much like chicken pox, once you get it you won't get it again. So, I won't ever have to do this again! THANK GOODNESS!!!
Also, I talked to Grandma today. It's just odd. She is really at peace. I can't even explain it. She is past all the meds and doctors and just enjoying life. And I mean REALLY enjoying life. The way we all should. She is noticing things like birds singing in the morning and breezes touching her face. She does have to go to a neurologist tomorrow because she fell a couple of days ago and they can't quite figure out what happened. Her right leg just basically stopped working for a few minutes. It's kinda weird. She and I had a really great talk though. She just flat out said she is done. So, I said.... OK, Grandma, then let's get to living. To which she replied... Yes, let's. So there we have it. I asked her a lot of things that, this is going to sound morbid, I have always wondered when one is faced with Death. Questions like: Are you afraid of dying? What is the worst part of all of this for you? Are you in pain? She is so wonderful. She answered everything. She is not afraid of dying, she just doesn't want to say goodbye. She isn't in pain, she is just tired (which we decided has to be because the chemo is not all out of her system yet). Yet another wonderful conversation and memory to add to the collection of my Grandma Wells. Although one day I will miss her terribly, I am looking forward to helping make more memories while we have her here.
Sunday, July 22, 2007
But Mommy....
It's not dark outside!!! UUGGGHHH!!!! Need I say more??
(They are in bed and almost asleep and it's only 8:45, but still.... I KNEW it would be said by at least one of them!!)
(They are in bed and almost asleep and it's only 8:45, but still.... I KNEW it would be said by at least one of them!!)
Iced tea and a good book
Is how I am hoping to spend the remainder of my evening. We had such a busy weekend. I love having people here. I am kind of like Monica (Friends) in that aspect of my life. I love to entertain. Laugh love and live. That's the key to life. And we did a lot of all of the above this weekend. I can't even really tell any great stories, because it was just an all out fun and tiring weekend spent at home with friends. The kids are in the tub and I am getting their jammies ready so that they are all in bed and out by 8:30, hopefully. And it seems as though maybe the sun will be asleep by then too, so there shouldn't be any fights about it. (My kids always say. " But the sun is still out!!" when I try to get them to bed early after a long day/ weekend.)
Haven't heard anything on Grandma. I will most likely call her tomorrow and see what she is up to. I am sure her phone has been ringing off the hook since Thursday so I thought I would let her breathe a little before she gets another call. I will let you all know what she has to say.
Well I am off. I hope you all had a wonderful weekend and can't wait to read all about them!!! Good night.
Haven't heard anything on Grandma. I will most likely call her tomorrow and see what she is up to. I am sure her phone has been ringing off the hook since Thursday so I thought I would let her breathe a little before she gets another call. I will let you all know what she has to say.
Well I am off. I hope you all had a wonderful weekend and can't wait to read all about them!!! Good night.
Thursday, July 19, 2007
The dreaded post
Well.... the time has come. The time when my dad and his family need different prayers. No more prayers of recovery and well being, they (why am I saying "they"?.....WE!!) all need prayers of strength and understanding and comfort for Grandma Barb. Her tests were not good in any sense of the word and the fight is now going to be on the downhill slide. Of the two tumors on her adrenal glands, one hasn't done anything, and the other grew. The chemo is doing nothing other than making her very ill. Now we are down to quality, not quantity, of time with her. There will be no more chemo. It honestly won't be too long now. Maybe a few months, which, to some may seem like a lot, but when you are talking about a loved one, it's too little.
Thank you ALL for letting me vent, not only on here, but also into your ears over the phone, in person, etc. Blogging HAS made this just a little easier. I thought I was ready for this news. I knew it was coming. I knew it in my gut and soul, I just wouldn't admit it (Sorry Mel). No more lying until the truth comes out. It IS as bad as I had felt it would be. I can do this. I know I can..... Until I remember what my Daddy looks like when he cries.....
Thank you ALL for letting me vent, not only on here, but also into your ears over the phone, in person, etc. Blogging HAS made this just a little easier. I thought I was ready for this news. I knew it was coming. I knew it in my gut and soul, I just wouldn't admit it (Sorry Mel). No more lying until the truth comes out. It IS as bad as I had felt it would be. I can do this. I know I can..... Until I remember what my Daddy looks like when he cries.....
Tuesday, July 17, 2007
LOOK!!!---->
Over there!!! To the right!!! There is a little thing that says "My other blog". See it?!?!? READ IT!!! LOL!!
Monday, July 16, 2007
I want
I want I want I want I want
Cry scream fight cry scream fight cry scream fight
This is the story of my life these days with my wonderful children. I love them, that was never in question. But I have to say that I don't know how much more of this I can take. I really mean that. This isn't just a minor meltdown, this is a full fledged problem. I read books. I ask for advice. I try everything. That makes me sound inconsistant. I am very consistant. When I try something new I will try it for a few months before giving up on it. I have tried everything from ignoring to calmly talking to spanking..... nothing is getting through. Had I EVER acted this way or treated my parents like this, I wouldn't be alive to tell you about my problems. I would honestly be 6 feet under via the hand of my father. How is it that spanking is so wrong now? I am not talking about an all out beating, I am talking about a swat on the a$$ that I think most of us received from our parents. How is it that if I swat my child I will go to flipping jail?!?!?
Anyway... my question is this: How did my parents and my aunts and uncles all get us kids to respect our elders? How did they instill that fear of "the look"? I did get spanked as a child, this I have already admitted. But it wasn't like I got it all the time. Quite the opposite. I think I can maybe remember getting it two or three times in my life. But all it took was that look from my mother or the "HEY!" from my father and we snapped to a tension in a split second.
One thing that is different in my children's lives is that their dad's presence is inconsistant. By that I don't mean he isn't a part of their lives or mine, I mean that he is a truck driver and his schedule is awful and never, ever, ever the same. Is that part of the problem? I don't see how, because when I look back at my childhood, most of my family were farmers or in said industry, thus taking them out of the home for a month at a time. (Not that they were never home, they were just home after us kids went to bed and back to work in the fields (or Grandpa's shop) again when we awoke.) I just don't get it. I want my kids to be happy. I want to be happy. This is one of the things that I posted about with my 30 things. I am losing. I am losing rapidly. My children's childhoods are at stake here. It isn't looking good. I am a bad mom. Don't say I'm not. I know I am. I am short tempered. I am short fused. I am lazy. I am boring. I just freakin suck.
WHAT DO I DO?!?!?!?
Cry scream fight cry scream fight cry scream fight
This is the story of my life these days with my wonderful children. I love them, that was never in question. But I have to say that I don't know how much more of this I can take. I really mean that. This isn't just a minor meltdown, this is a full fledged problem. I read books. I ask for advice. I try everything. That makes me sound inconsistant. I am very consistant. When I try something new I will try it for a few months before giving up on it. I have tried everything from ignoring to calmly talking to spanking..... nothing is getting through. Had I EVER acted this way or treated my parents like this, I wouldn't be alive to tell you about my problems. I would honestly be 6 feet under via the hand of my father. How is it that spanking is so wrong now? I am not talking about an all out beating, I am talking about a swat on the a$$ that I think most of us received from our parents. How is it that if I swat my child I will go to flipping jail?!?!?
Anyway... my question is this: How did my parents and my aunts and uncles all get us kids to respect our elders? How did they instill that fear of "the look"? I did get spanked as a child, this I have already admitted. But it wasn't like I got it all the time. Quite the opposite. I think I can maybe remember getting it two or three times in my life. But all it took was that look from my mother or the "HEY!" from my father and we snapped to a tension in a split second.
One thing that is different in my children's lives is that their dad's presence is inconsistant. By that I don't mean he isn't a part of their lives or mine, I mean that he is a truck driver and his schedule is awful and never, ever, ever the same. Is that part of the problem? I don't see how, because when I look back at my childhood, most of my family were farmers or in said industry, thus taking them out of the home for a month at a time. (Not that they were never home, they were just home after us kids went to bed and back to work in the fields (or Grandpa's shop) again when we awoke.) I just don't get it. I want my kids to be happy. I want to be happy. This is one of the things that I posted about with my 30 things. I am losing. I am losing rapidly. My children's childhoods are at stake here. It isn't looking good. I am a bad mom. Don't say I'm not. I know I am. I am short tempered. I am short fused. I am lazy. I am boring. I just freakin suck.
WHAT DO I DO?!?!?!?
Friday, July 13, 2007
first few
I have been meaning to post my 30 things I would like to accomplish or change by my 30th birthday in October. I keep forgetting. I think I have the beginning stages of Alzheimers.....
1. Begin learning how to play the piano. We got my Grandma's piano and the kids will start lessons as soon as I can afford to get it tuned. I have always wanted to learn how, so why not with the kids?
2. Be more patient. Not just with kids. With everything in my life. I am one of the most impatient people in the world.
3. Stop taking things so personally.
4. Be HAPPY. I mean really happy, not fake for the sake of those around me.
5. Learn to be satisfied. Life isn't as bad as I tend to think it is. We have a roof over our heads, food in our bellies, and clothes on our backs. Just because we don't OWN said roof or eat steak for every meal or wear designer clothes doesn't mean we don't have enough.
6. Stop obsessing (sp?) about the cleanliness of the house. Toys aren't dirt.
7. Learn from my Grandmother and stop freakin smoking.
8. Look at the life of a friend who just lost a baby that was a week old and realize that even though my kids can be a pain in the a$$, at least there are HERE with me and I WILL enjoy the short time they are little.
9. Be more active. I hate the heat, so this will be a real chore.
10. Manage money better. We make budgets and never follow them. It's time to stop spending and start saving.
11. Talk more to those I have been neglecting. I need to pick up the phone more.
12. Accept help when it is offered and when it isn't offered, ASK FOR IT!
13. Spend more time with the husband. We are so busy with our jobs and kids that we never take US time.
14. Minimize. There is too much "stuff" in my house. For example, my "skinny" clothes. Goodwill has more room than I do.
15. Cook more. I cook in the sense of taking things from the freezer and warming them. I need to start making casseroles, etc., and freezing and warming those rather than Stouffer's.
WOW..... 30 is a LOT!!!
16. Stop yelling and start talking.
17. Spend less time on the internet/computer.
18. Go to bed earlier. I am a night owl. I hate mornings. When the kids go to bed at night I do my list of things. I need to start doing them during waking hours.
19. Try to be healthier all around. Healthy = happy. Right?
20. Go to the dentist yearly. I hate the dentist. And I take the kids every year, but not myself.
21. Be more accepting of things and people I can't change.
22. Realize that not everyone in the world is a true friend.
23. Not worry so much. I worry ALL THE TIME. About everything, family, friends, money.... everything.
24. Stop letting people abuse my kindness. I.e.: get paid when I am supposed to get paid rather than letting people wait a week which turns into a month and ends with my pissiness.
25. Get receipts for taxes entered in to the computer when we get home from the store rather than all at once at tax time.
26. Go easier on myself. I am way to mean to myself.
27. Smile more
28. laugh more
29. Observe more
30. Act, not react.
There it is, for what it's worth. I think it's pretty good. I think.
1. Begin learning how to play the piano. We got my Grandma's piano and the kids will start lessons as soon as I can afford to get it tuned. I have always wanted to learn how, so why not with the kids?
2. Be more patient. Not just with kids. With everything in my life. I am one of the most impatient people in the world.
3. Stop taking things so personally.
4. Be HAPPY. I mean really happy, not fake for the sake of those around me.
5. Learn to be satisfied. Life isn't as bad as I tend to think it is. We have a roof over our heads, food in our bellies, and clothes on our backs. Just because we don't OWN said roof or eat steak for every meal or wear designer clothes doesn't mean we don't have enough.
6. Stop obsessing (sp?) about the cleanliness of the house. Toys aren't dirt.
7. Learn from my Grandmother and stop freakin smoking.
8. Look at the life of a friend who just lost a baby that was a week old and realize that even though my kids can be a pain in the a$$, at least there are HERE with me and I WILL enjoy the short time they are little.
9. Be more active. I hate the heat, so this will be a real chore.
10. Manage money better. We make budgets and never follow them. It's time to stop spending and start saving.
11. Talk more to those I have been neglecting. I need to pick up the phone more.
12. Accept help when it is offered and when it isn't offered, ASK FOR IT!
13. Spend more time with the husband. We are so busy with our jobs and kids that we never take US time.
14. Minimize. There is too much "stuff" in my house. For example, my "skinny" clothes. Goodwill has more room than I do.
15. Cook more. I cook in the sense of taking things from the freezer and warming them. I need to start making casseroles, etc., and freezing and warming those rather than Stouffer's.
WOW..... 30 is a LOT!!!
16. Stop yelling and start talking.
17. Spend less time on the internet/computer.
18. Go to bed earlier. I am a night owl. I hate mornings. When the kids go to bed at night I do my list of things. I need to start doing them during waking hours.
19. Try to be healthier all around. Healthy = happy. Right?
20. Go to the dentist yearly. I hate the dentist. And I take the kids every year, but not myself.
21. Be more accepting of things and people I can't change.
22. Realize that not everyone in the world is a true friend.
23. Not worry so much. I worry ALL THE TIME. About everything, family, friends, money.... everything.
24. Stop letting people abuse my kindness. I.e.: get paid when I am supposed to get paid rather than letting people wait a week which turns into a month and ends with my pissiness.
25. Get receipts for taxes entered in to the computer when we get home from the store rather than all at once at tax time.
26. Go easier on myself. I am way to mean to myself.
27. Smile more
28. laugh more
29. Observe more
30. Act, not react.
There it is, for what it's worth. I think it's pretty good. I think.
Wednesday, July 11, 2007
poem
This is the poem that I keep referring to when OM and I are having little "Mommy Meltdowns" about the state of disarray in our homes.
Cleaning and scrubbing can wait till tomorrow
For babies grow up we've learned to our sorrow
So quiet down cobwebs
Dust, go to sleep
I'm rocking my baby
And babies don't keep!!
I would like to add that I got my Grandma's picture that she made of this. It's ugly. Ugly as sin. But it WILL be hung on my wall until the day they put me in the ground.
Cleaning and scrubbing can wait till tomorrow
For babies grow up we've learned to our sorrow
So quiet down cobwebs
Dust, go to sleep
I'm rocking my baby
And babies don't keep!!
I would like to add that I got my Grandma's picture that she made of this. It's ugly. Ugly as sin. But it WILL be hung on my wall until the day they put me in the ground.
Monday, July 9, 2007
OOOHHHHH....
HOW I WISH WINTER WAS HERE!!!! At the very least, Fall. Now that the extreme heat and humidity of wonderful Nebraska Summer is here, I don't want it. I sit and listen to the AC running and my continuing thought throughout the day is, "The electric bill is going to kill us." We are pretty much stuck inside until almost sundown everyday because my kids overheat so quickly, which brings on the cabin fever and fighting. I have a great deal of things to get done, but breaking up fights and keeping kids out of trouble is what I find taking up all of my time and I still get nothing done, even though we are in the house and I should be getting lots done.
Oh well..... Fall is just around the corner. I can do this. I WILL make it out alive. And then, I will be sad that my baby is heading off to the 2nd grade.
Catch 22. Everywhere I look. Catch 22.
Oh well..... Fall is just around the corner. I can do this. I WILL make it out alive. And then, I will be sad that my baby is heading off to the 2nd grade.
Catch 22. Everywhere I look. Catch 22.
Thursday, July 5, 2007
Hello, hello, hello....
Is there anybody out there??
I feel as though maybe my postings here aren't being seen by anyone but myself. Oh well....
Nothing new to report here, other than I remembered after my last posting that I haven't said much about Grandma lately. She got sick again with this round of chemo, but not as bad as last time, because she knew what she was looking for and went in right away for fluids. Last I heard, she is still drained, but doing ok. Please keep praying. I am getting a feeling in my gut that what we hear on the 18th won't be what we are hoping for. Not trying to be pessimistic, but realistic. And if it's not doing any good, I know my Grandmother.... she won't continue with the treatments. Pray hard!!
I also have something (relating to Grandma) that I would like to vent about. I have this cousin that posts on another site. It's MySpace. EVERY TIME that she posts something, it has something to do with our Grandmother and how she is "close to Death" or how we are "about to lose her". I can't STAND it. Granted, I post on here to update everyone, because there are people that read this that want to know how she is doing, but just in case it isn't good, don't want to call because they know that it will upset me. (Upset in the sense of make me cry when I may have just gotten myself to calm down) That and let's face it, sometimes it's just nice to send a fear out into the great unknown. But to say on a stupid survey question (several survey questions) things about about to lose or being close to losing or a dying Grandmother??? GET REAL. She isn't THAT bad. DRAMA!!! UGH!!! But then.... I must admit..... part of me starts to wonder what people may not be telling me. I know it's sick. I know it's wrong.
How do I convince myself that there isn't anything I am not being told?
Because my Grandma and I are CLOSE. Closer than a LOT of Grandmothers and Granddaughters. I lived with her when I was 20 for about a year. She helped me through some rough times. And I helped her. When her mom, my Great Grandma Boyle, was suffering the final stages of Alzheimers, I lived with my grandma. She, up to that point, had pretty much beeen the only one taking care of my great grandma. When I moved in, I flat out told her, this is it, you aren't doing this alone anymore. We then set up a schedule because she had been going to the home EVERY day to see my gg. From that point on, I went out on laundry days and one other day of the week. I did my gg's laundry (which I can't lie, was awful, because she had, for the most part, lost control of her bladder/bowels) so that my grandma wouldn't see how bad it really was. I lied to my gg when she called the house thinking that I was my aunt and called me Leslie and just went along with it because the disease had eaten her brain so badly that she really thought I was Leslie and was still living at home and it was just easier to go along with it than to try and tell her differently. I could go on for hours about what I saw and did during the final stages of her life, but the point is this:
This cousin has no clue. No idea how precious life really is. No idea. Not one iota. And it pisses me off to no end that she is using my grandma's illness to get her own sympathy and compassion. That is NOT what this is about. I am just so MAD at her!! I want to shake her and tell her that all of the fricken spoiling that she has gotten from her parents won't save her from shit like this and that no matter what she has in her life, she can't take it with her when she goes and that using OUR grandmother for HER OWN PERSONAL pitty party is SICK and WRONG and that God wouldn't approve!!!
I know it's wrong. I shouldn't be bitter. But I am. Let's top this whole little story off with a tid bit of how I (and my dad, this sick grandma's only son) found out about Grandma being sick...... through this same person's friggen MySpace blog!! Not from the proverbial horse's mouth..... from a "child's" (she's 23) BLOG!!!!
God help me!
I feel as though maybe my postings here aren't being seen by anyone but myself. Oh well....
Nothing new to report here, other than I remembered after my last posting that I haven't said much about Grandma lately. She got sick again with this round of chemo, but not as bad as last time, because she knew what she was looking for and went in right away for fluids. Last I heard, she is still drained, but doing ok. Please keep praying. I am getting a feeling in my gut that what we hear on the 18th won't be what we are hoping for. Not trying to be pessimistic, but realistic. And if it's not doing any good, I know my Grandmother.... she won't continue with the treatments. Pray hard!!
I also have something (relating to Grandma) that I would like to vent about. I have this cousin that posts on another site. It's MySpace. EVERY TIME that she posts something, it has something to do with our Grandmother and how she is "close to Death" or how we are "about to lose her". I can't STAND it. Granted, I post on here to update everyone, because there are people that read this that want to know how she is doing, but just in case it isn't good, don't want to call because they know that it will upset me. (Upset in the sense of make me cry when I may have just gotten myself to calm down) That and let's face it, sometimes it's just nice to send a fear out into the great unknown. But to say on a stupid survey question (several survey questions) things about about to lose or being close to losing or a dying Grandmother??? GET REAL. She isn't THAT bad. DRAMA!!! UGH!!! But then.... I must admit..... part of me starts to wonder what people may not be telling me. I know it's sick. I know it's wrong.
How do I convince myself that there isn't anything I am not being told?
Because my Grandma and I are CLOSE. Closer than a LOT of Grandmothers and Granddaughters. I lived with her when I was 20 for about a year. She helped me through some rough times. And I helped her. When her mom, my Great Grandma Boyle, was suffering the final stages of Alzheimers, I lived with my grandma. She, up to that point, had pretty much beeen the only one taking care of my great grandma. When I moved in, I flat out told her, this is it, you aren't doing this alone anymore. We then set up a schedule because she had been going to the home EVERY day to see my gg. From that point on, I went out on laundry days and one other day of the week. I did my gg's laundry (which I can't lie, was awful, because she had, for the most part, lost control of her bladder/bowels) so that my grandma wouldn't see how bad it really was. I lied to my gg when she called the house thinking that I was my aunt and called me Leslie and just went along with it because the disease had eaten her brain so badly that she really thought I was Leslie and was still living at home and it was just easier to go along with it than to try and tell her differently. I could go on for hours about what I saw and did during the final stages of her life, but the point is this:
This cousin has no clue. No idea how precious life really is. No idea. Not one iota. And it pisses me off to no end that she is using my grandma's illness to get her own sympathy and compassion. That is NOT what this is about. I am just so MAD at her!! I want to shake her and tell her that all of the fricken spoiling that she has gotten from her parents won't save her from shit like this and that no matter what she has in her life, she can't take it with her when she goes and that using OUR grandmother for HER OWN PERSONAL pitty party is SICK and WRONG and that God wouldn't approve!!!
I know it's wrong. I shouldn't be bitter. But I am. Let's top this whole little story off with a tid bit of how I (and my dad, this sick grandma's only son) found out about Grandma being sick...... through this same person's friggen MySpace blog!! Not from the proverbial horse's mouth..... from a "child's" (she's 23) BLOG!!!!
God help me!
Nothing special
I just realized that I haven't been on in FOREVER. I feel as though this summer has just clogged up every fiber of my being. On one hand, I am LOVING it, and on the other, I would really really REALLY like a nap!! And, I would like my house to stay clean a little longer than 5 minutes. When the oldest is in school, the youner two entertain each other and when I pick something up, generally speaking, it stays that way until the end of the school day and I end up cleaning one more time just after the kids go to bed and before I get to go too.
Anyway.... I am compelled to tell you all how terrible of a mother I am. Yesterday, we had a wonderful 4th of July. We started out the day with waffles topped with blueberries, strawberries, and whipped cream (red white and blue). Then we went out and lit off a few little fireworks. You know, those boring daytime ones like snakes and snappers. Just to suffice the kids for a little while. Then we took off and went to Walmart to grab a few things. It was rather fast. I thought it would be packed and awful, but it really wasn't. We then came home to take naps. Side note: we told all of my husband's family to be here no earlier than 6 for food and fireworks. So, we laid down about 3 for naps and there was a knock at the door at FOUR. Ok.... so I was a little irate. Obviously, these people don't have kids. UUUGGGHHHHH. Anyhew, it was an alright night. The in laws irritate the crap out of me, but other than that, watching my kids doing fireworks and setting off the big fireworks for them was a LOT of fun. Why am I a bad mom? Because I got to the end of the night and realized..... I DIDN'T TAKE ONE SINGLE PICTURE ALL DAY!!! Can you even believe that?!?!? We spent over $100 in fireworks, not to mention what the in laws brought, and I didn't think in all that time to take a single picture?!?!? I'm sure there's a place for me when I cross over. :(
I hope you all had a great 4th. It's like Christmas in July for me. I LOVE LOVE LOVE IT!!!
Anyway.... I am compelled to tell you all how terrible of a mother I am. Yesterday, we had a wonderful 4th of July. We started out the day with waffles topped with blueberries, strawberries, and whipped cream (red white and blue). Then we went out and lit off a few little fireworks. You know, those boring daytime ones like snakes and snappers. Just to suffice the kids for a little while. Then we took off and went to Walmart to grab a few things. It was rather fast. I thought it would be packed and awful, but it really wasn't. We then came home to take naps. Side note: we told all of my husband's family to be here no earlier than 6 for food and fireworks. So, we laid down about 3 for naps and there was a knock at the door at FOUR. Ok.... so I was a little irate. Obviously, these people don't have kids. UUUGGGHHHHH. Anyhew, it was an alright night. The in laws irritate the crap out of me, but other than that, watching my kids doing fireworks and setting off the big fireworks for them was a LOT of fun. Why am I a bad mom? Because I got to the end of the night and realized..... I DIDN'T TAKE ONE SINGLE PICTURE ALL DAY!!! Can you even believe that?!?!? We spent over $100 in fireworks, not to mention what the in laws brought, and I didn't think in all that time to take a single picture?!?!? I'm sure there's a place for me when I cross over. :(
I hope you all had a great 4th. It's like Christmas in July for me. I LOVE LOVE LOVE IT!!!
Sunday, July 1, 2007
Eight things.... dunno how great they are....
Omaha Mama tagged me with this 8 things meme. Eight things about me. Facts or habits. I can't follow ALL of the rules because I only know three people other than myself on here and OM already tagged them. But here are my "things"
Each player lists 8 facts or habits about themselves.
The rules of the game are posted at the beginning before the list of 8.
At the end of the post, the person tags 8 people, then going to comment on their blog, letting them know they've been tagged.
Eight facts or habits (habits?) about myself:
I have always, as long as I can remember, wanted to be a mommy. And I am. And I LOVE it.
I would like to challenge OM to a pie baking contest and make AD taste test them! LOL!!
I hate my husband's job and how much it takes him away from us, even though I get a LOT more done while he is gone.
I am warming up BBQ meatballs for supper as soon as I am done with this thing.
I hate saying goodbye. The fact that one of my cousins is moving to Florida in two weeks is really upsetting to me. Along with this, knowing that my Grandmother is sick and her time could be minimal is killing me and breaking my heart.
I am a very deep thinker but I rarely share it with anyone other than myself. The saying "It is better to remain silent and thought a fool than to open the mouth and remove all doubt" tends to be my motto these days. I am still VERY outspoken and VERY outgoing, but only to a certain extent.
I hold things in and take EVERYTHING personally. It takes me forever to forget the things that hurt, but I never reveal that I was actually hurt to the person that injured me.
I, like OM, LOVE my minivan!! Only mine is purple. ;)
Each player lists 8 facts or habits about themselves.
The rules of the game are posted at the beginning before the list of 8.
At the end of the post, the person tags 8 people, then going to comment on their blog, letting them know they've been tagged.
Eight facts or habits (habits?) about myself:
I have always, as long as I can remember, wanted to be a mommy. And I am. And I LOVE it.
I would like to challenge OM to a pie baking contest and make AD taste test them! LOL!!
I hate my husband's job and how much it takes him away from us, even though I get a LOT more done while he is gone.
I am warming up BBQ meatballs for supper as soon as I am done with this thing.
I hate saying goodbye. The fact that one of my cousins is moving to Florida in two weeks is really upsetting to me. Along with this, knowing that my Grandmother is sick and her time could be minimal is killing me and breaking my heart.
I am a very deep thinker but I rarely share it with anyone other than myself. The saying "It is better to remain silent and thought a fool than to open the mouth and remove all doubt" tends to be my motto these days. I am still VERY outspoken and VERY outgoing, but only to a certain extent.
I hold things in and take EVERYTHING personally. It takes me forever to forget the things that hurt, but I never reveal that I was actually hurt to the person that injured me.
I, like OM, LOVE my minivan!! Only mine is purple. ;)
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