Just trying to live

I don't really like the idea of having to be put on meds just to live my everyday life. When Jenna was a baby, she was sick 24/7 for a year. I mean that literally. There wasn't a time when she wasn't sick the first 11 1/2 months of her life. Then she got tubes in her ears and it was all better. But, during that time, I had to be put on anti anxiety meds. Lex@pro. It worked wonders. I felt so good that I even lost 75 pounds that year because I actually felt like getting off my arse and getting on the treadmill. It was awesome. Then, I decided, along with my doctor, that after being on it for two years that maybe I should try and go without it. I have been more than fine these last couple of years off of it. But now, I am beginning to wonder if maybe I need to go back on it. I am tired all the time. I realize that I am a mother of three and run a daycare.... and I literally mean RUN.... but I am just plain BLAH. I am mad 90% of the time and can't even explain why. I am never mad at or toward the kids. For some reason they are the only ones that bring any joy right now and I have the patience of a saint with all of them. I love each and every one of them with all my heart and soul, including the daycare kids. There isn't anything I won't do for any one of them. But then there is everything else. I just can't seem to cope. I don't want to spend my life taking a pill just to be able to live, but should I? I don't like being mad. And I really can't explain how MAD I really am. I am seriously flaming pissed at the world right now. This is a huge reason for my lack of posting. If I can't say anything good, I just don't say anything. And then I spend all of my time silent (Believe it or not!) and bottling it all up.

These decisions, although easy for some, really stink for me. I don't like it. If it was any one of you asking, I would say GO ON THE MEDS!!!! But for me, for some reason, it just isn't that easy. UGH.