Monday, July 14, 2008
Blah
Grief is such an ugly thing. I got home on Friday evening and just piled all of the crap out of the van in my room. There it sits. I have mounds and mounds of laundry to do, a bathroom that is so gross I just want to set off an M-80 and rebuild it, dishes in both basins of the sink that MUST get done, because there are no clean plates or glasses..... the list goes on and on. But I don't want to do any of it. I'm not talking about my normal 'it can wait' attitude when I decide to just take a day off from it all. I am talking that I really don't care if I ever get off the couch and shower again, let alone clean my house. I know this will pass. I know it's just part of the curriculum of grieving. I can't even put this into words, and that makes it even worse for me. I talk things out to help myself work them out. I can't do it. I can't put words to the things that I have seen and endured the last 6 months that just came to a screeching halt. I knew it was coming. I begged it to come, for her sake. But, here I am, left behind to endure the pain in my heart. I KNOW she is healthy again. I KNOW she is happy again. I KNOW it wasn't her I left at the cemetery. But I can't get that through to my heart. My brain gets it all. My heart is shattered. I HATE this. UGH!!!!
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5 comments:
Aw Nik. Let's talk, K? I'm home all day tomorrow. We'll talk.
You are right though, just let yourself get through all the ugly stages and then you'll be able to feel alive again. :(
Hugs from Omaha.
xo
Don't bug yourself. This is grief. It is a process. If you are still in the same place in, let's say....a month then it may be a problem. BUT it is not a problem on day 6. Or how ever you count days. Remember how sad Jesus was when Lazuras died?! It's is supposed to be like that when you love someone. I'd think something was wrong if you felt like signing up for college classes today. You'll get your groove back!!!!!!!!HONEST! and then you'll be able to say, "Hey, I did it!" But not today.
Thinking of you from FL. Hopefully my sad tragic existence peppered with exciting trips will distract you. aka: I am back to bloggin. BTW- did you get my ecard?
N, I forgot to tell you when we got ready to leave the meal after the funeral I started looking for your grandma to say "Goodbye". I got so tickled by my thought I smiled. Your grandma is such a "living" spirit. You're going to have her with you for (ever) a long time! AJ
OM tagged you for a meme. If I don't see a pic with mall bangs, I am going to be HIGHLY disappointed!!!!
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