A Superhero

.... I am not.


I was doing so well. I wasn't smoking. I went three days without a cigarette. Then things went really bad with Grandma and before I even knew it, I lit up. Ok. So.... I stepped back a little. No big deal. A battle lost... not the war. I look at people like Britney Spears and how many times she has had to go to rehab. This is my first time at bat on this battle without a little person growing inside me to make me quit. This isn't for anyone else, it's for ME. And that's what makes it so hard. I live my life for everyone else. I take care of my kids, husband, house, daycare, pets, other family members..... all of them come before me. The sad thing is, if I don't do this, I won't be able to take care of all those other things. So I HAVE to do this.

This weekend wasn't good for me. Tomorrow is back to square one. Although, Dad and I talked about it and we are in agreement that, even if it takes us a year to quit by cutting back first and ending with not smoking, it doesn't matter how we do it, it's that we DO do it. Make sense? It did help me. I was feeling like quite the loser this morning. Thank Goodness Daddy was here to pick me up, yet again.

So.... back to the drawing board. I WILL DO THIS. Don't get down on me.... I am beating myself up enough for all of us!!

GOOD NOTE!!!! Grandma is out of the hospital. They were waiting for her WBC to come back up to at least 500 so that she could go home, but still be in isolation there. Yesterday when they took it, it was around 300. Today they took it and it was at 7000. That isn't a typo. Not 700......7000!!! So, they are pretty certain that she is back from the ill and is going to recover well. They are also changing some of the meds (I think it's the meds that she takes along with the chemo, not the chemo itself) and they swore to all of us that this will NOT happen again. When I talked to Grandma yesterday, I asked her if she had any fight left at all. Her response: I'm a tough old broad, they aren't gonna get me down that easy!! So, she isn't giving up after all. And she did admit to me that there was a point (last Wednesday when I was there) that she was just waiting for God to take her. She thought she was going to die. But, she says, she is back and ready to give the cancer hell. So..... for now (For nows are what we live for anymore), things are good. VERY GOOD. GO GRANDMA!!! :D And.... thank you to anyone and everyone who has not only prayed for Grandma and all of us, but also to all of you who are helping ME survive this. I'll make it. She is the one that needs the support and prayers. And know that she thanks you too.

I am off to bed. Was a long weekend. I need a little ME TIME. Going to find a book and make a date with it!! ;) Good night and sweet dreams to all!