Dear God,

I haven't a one smoke today. I don't want to have one. But....

I just got off the phone with my aunt. The kids and I are to be going to Hastings tomorrow to see Grandma. However, she isn't doing well. At all. Like really really bad. So it looks like I won't be going. I want to smoke. The craving is BAD. I made it through a pretty bad nic fit right after supper, but it was nothing like this. Oh God. Let her be ok. She doesn't even know I am doing this. She has no idea I am quitting. I was going to surprise her with it tomorrow and now I can't. I'm not being selfish here. I know it sounds like I am. But, she would be so happy to know that I am quitting. She would be thrilled to know how great of a day I am having. And she would be PISSED if she knew that this news is why I wanted to have one after such a strong day of saying NO. I won't smoke. I want to, but I won't. I refuse. GOD GIVE ME STRENGTH. I CAN DO ALL THINGS THROUGH HIM...... This is nothing compared to what she is going through... shut up and get over it.

I'm going for a walk. Please pray for my Grandma. PLEASE!!!!

Weird......

Ok, so pretty much every time I have quit smoking, I thought that the reason the food tasted so different was because I was pregnant. Anyone who has ever been pregnant can relate to this thinking, smoker or not. All senses are heightened when you are expecting, and I honestly thought that was why food tasted so different. For instance: Salt. NO SALT. It made me sick to my stomach. Funny thing I noticed tonight during my supper: SALT!!! And I mean TONS of salt. Normally, I am a salt lover. I love chips, nuts, anything salty. It seems this may no longer be. The previous diversions to salt weren't because I was pregnant, it was because I wasn't smoking and was actually tasting the food and what was really being put into my mouth. Tonight we just had leftovers. A couple of nights ago, I made tacos. I normally use the taco seasoning packets from the store. The first night we had tacos, they tasted wonderful. And I honestly LOVE leftover tacos. It's like the longer the meat marinades in that seasoning the better..... or so I used to think. I made a simple meat and cheese softshell. I seriously took a huge drink of water with every single bite of the taco and ended up only eating maybe half of the taco. I thought I was going to be violently ill. I threw the rest away and made a salad. Again.... I normally have to put a little extra dressing on my salad so that I can taste it. Not the case tonight. Although the salad was wonderful, I will have to be mindful in the future of how much dressing I am using (Side note: Wish Bone Hazelnut Raspberry Vinegarette is WONDERFUL!!!! MMMMMM!!!!!!).

Ok, so technically, today is my FIRST smoke free day. Granted I haven't gone to bed yet, but I don't even feel the urge to smoke. I gave in last night. It got to be too much for me to handle. So I ended up smoking maybe a total of 5 or 6 last night. However, this morning I woke up and felt like a$$. And I haven't had one since last night at about 10. So far, so good. I am doing it. I vow to not smoke tonight. I won't. If I think I "need" one, I will go for a walk or something. I WILL NOT SMOKE. I AM NO LONGER A SMOKER!!!! A BIG step today: I was in Jeremy's car without any kids, which is usually a green light to light up. I even took the pack with me, thinking if it got too bad I would take a couple drags and snuff it out. I didn't even think about it the whole time I was out and actually even forgot that I had taken them with me. YAY ME!!! :D

Doing it....

Today is my first day smoke free. It was supposed to be yesterday. I didn't do so hot. I think I had 6 by the time the day was over. However.... today.... I am totally doing it. It is now 2:30 and I haven't had one yet. Why??? BECAUSE I FRIGGEN ROCK!!! Well.... today I do anyway. Funny thing is, I think I will still be able to do the weight thing and the smoking thing. I haven't had the hand to mouth urge AT ALL today. This is going to be nice. Oh so nice. Will update tonight and see what has happened by then. I am determined. I am.

Retail Therapy

Today I retail therapied my ass off. LB rocks so much that I am seriously thinking about NOT losing weight!! Ok.... losing SOME but not enough that I can't wear their clothes anymore. In all honesty, their smallest size is the smallest that I have been in almost 10 years. Since before kids. So.... when I lose my 30, I should still be able to buy there. And that makes me happy. I will be the smallest one in the store instead of one of the inbetweeners.

I got an AWESOME top for a wedding tomorrow and I also got myself three tanks (which looked a LOT better than I thought they would!) and some SUPER cute capris that were ON SALE!!! Sorry Mel.... they didn't have any Bermudas!! I looked. I looked HARD. The only thing that they had in my size (which, according to the sales lady is the most popular size in that store) were the capris that I bought. However..... they ROCK! And with the tanks I got.... I am actually a somewhat hip mom!!! LOL!!! Thirty is the new twenty, right?!?!?

On a sadder note, although I haven't ever bought bottoms of any type there, the size I had to buy today in the capris was a size bigger than what I normally buy at, say, Walmart. The tops, however, were smaller than most other places I shop. Nay, EVERY other place I shop. Explain that. The tops there fit me smaller and the pants are bigger. Ugh. Whatever. I am happy. for now. Until I undergrow (not outgrow) them. Then.... back for more retail therapy. (That and drying the capris I got today on HIGH so they will still fit!! LOL!!)

P.S. I really did try to find the things I bought online so that I could post pics. The only thing that was on there was the tanks. Pretty sure you all know what a tank looks like!!

Trying.... Really really trying

Today is SUPPOSED to be the first day I go without a cigarette. I am trying. I really am. But I have to tell you I am staring Adversity straight in the eye and I don't know if I can do it today.

I told a "friend" that I would watch her son (whom I used to babysit from birth to 18 months) while her and her boyfriend went to Omaha to various events. I had him over night. No big deal. I knew they would be up all night and I had (and still don't have) absolutely no problem with it. It was actually fun. We played in the pool, made cookies..... it was fun.

Until this morning. He woke up at 7. I had him throw his pullup away and he ate a PopTart. So far, so good. Then I went downstairs to throw my clothes in the dryer so I had something clean to wear today. I heard Zack screaming and gagging in the bathroom. This child decided that, rather than #1 and #2 on the TOILET, he would do it ALL OVER my bathroom floor. Not just one spot. EVERYWHERE. It's bad enough when I have to wipe one of my own kids. Picking up shit that was large enough to be from an adult bowel was more than I could handle. And the mother won't answer her phone. This is the last time for THIS family.....

I still haven't had a smoke. But I can't make any promises the way this day has started.

Mad

At the whole world. Seriously. Part of my problem is that I give and I give and no one ever gives back when I need. So.... I turn to things like cigarettes and beer to take my pissiness away. One of those is soon to be gone. I really am fine with that. I can handle it. But.... along with the smokes is going to have to go the stresses. This shit of having parents that bring sick kids to my house (yes.... AGAIN with this....) and just expect me to take them in. Like I am some sort of sickhouse that they can come get care in. This is a DAYCARE not a NURSING HOME!!! I went off on one of my daycare moms today. She works at the school as a para. It's the last day of school. One of her kids has a fever for which she took her to the doctor yesterday and she has a virus and the other kid has diarrhea. WONDERFUL. I have a ton of things to do for the last day of school. A gift to buy for the teacher whom we have had since Kindergarten and have to say goodbye to today (I'm sad, and so is Addison). Treats to buy for the class because I love them all and Addison asked me very kindly this morning if I would do so. No problem. Except that now, rather than my normal brood of children (including daycare), I have one extra kid and of all four, two are freakin sick. I have no choice. MY CHILD comes first. Thus, I must suck it up and go. Forge through. Again. For what? Not even a thank you from the mother. It's just EXPECTED. All so she can go have fun and sit in a lounge all day and eat junk food with her coworkers while someone else takes care of her SICK kids. I give up.

Because....

I SUCK.

Seriously. I am sucking so bad at the weight thing this last, oh, 4-5 days that I can't muster up the guts to get on the scale either. One of my partners in this "marathon" as we call it is going through it too. I am hoping that it's just the spring fever that has us. As soon as school is out for my daughter (tomorrow is the last day!!), we will be taking family bike rides, etc. It WILL be done. As God as my witness.... this WILL happen.

Now is NOT the time to be getting down.... I have, have, HAVE to lose the weight and stop smoking. I am just too "instant results" oriented. It's that simple. I need to change my mindset. I have to. And I AM.

Taking the Chantix. It's hard to tell if it's working or not, as I have only been on it three days and am still on the lowest end of the dosage. Tomorrow the dose goes up. I will most likely start to see things happening then. I hope. No.... I WILL.

Note: This isn't something that has to or even can be done in a matter of a couple of days. These are two MAJOR life changes. They both take time to fix. To fix FOREVER, not just for today.