Keeping you posted

I was asked not to say anything because it's to the point that some things really need to be kept to family now. However, we are all family here, so I will tell you.

This is sad. We knew it was coming. But it came so fast it seems.

Today, my two aunts and grandma went to the doctor and were informed there is nothing more they can do. No more therapy. No more chemo. The end of the road. Six months tops.

She will be going back to the Homestead for her final weeks/months. Hospice is being contacted and this is how she will leave this world.

Grandma says no more crying. It's time to celebrate. It's time to "get busy livin". AMEN. I am going to LIVE with my grandma. We are going for walks. We are going to pray. We are going to CELEBRATE her upcoming new life. I hope that you all will help me. Don't mourn her yet. Praise God that she is doing this with such dignity. She is a true testament to Faith. Someone we can all learn from.

I will keep posting about my visits with her. I want it documented for when she is gone and I miss her. I want to look back and remember this remarkable woman. I don't want to remember the frail, sick woman she is today. I want to remember the woman that tells me I am "spoiled" because I get to pick what we watch on tv or eat for supper. I want to remember the woman who went to such lengths to get me a Cabbage Patch Doll for Christmas when I was a child and thought there wasn't any way possible. I want to remember.

It won't be long and she will finally meet the woman I told her I learned so much from when our visits started. Miss Jacque. Praise God. They will have some FUN in their special little corner of Heaven.

Good day

My brother got here Friday afternoon and we got to hang out just him and I and the kids. It was awesome. I wish I would have taken a picture of the kids' faces when he pulled up. Pure happiness.

On Saturday, we met up with our two great aunts and one of our great uncles at the Cracker B@rrel for lunch. We had some really good laughs there too. It's so nice to see them. We hadn't seen Uncle Bill and Aunt Elaine since '01 or '02, so they had never met Zack and Jenna. Needless to say, they fell in love with them. After lunch, Rob and I took off for Hastings to see Grandma and help clean out her house some. It amazes me how some people can go to something like that and sit on the front porch and drink beer all day without lifting a finger and then when the work is done complain that they need to go for a walk or do something because all they have done is sit all day. Amazing. Absolutely amazing.

When we went out to see Grandma, it was rather hard on Rob. He hasn't seen her since the benefit in Doniphan and her decline has been very rapid since then. At one point, he had to leave the room. We took her out to sit in the sun, which was a lot of fun actually. She cracked me up a few times making her underhanded comments about afore mentioned "sitters". She decided she needed a cigarette which caused a slight uproar yet again with said "sitters", but she won. As I said, at this point, what does it matter? I mean really. Am I wrong? The woman is dying for God's sake. Shut up and leave her alone. Enough is enough, and pick your friggen battles. I, of course, was the one that got the flack for it, even though SHE is the one that made the demands and someone else was the one that enabled her. But, me being the only smoker in the group, I handed the cigarettes to the driver of the vehicle she went for a smoke in. And it was all MY fault. Never mind that I was the one that initially told her no. I did give in when she was so adamant about it. You would think that these people would think more about the fact that my poor brother had to carry his grandmother a few times because she couldn't walk. You would think that they would look at her and think "let her do it, if it makes her happy, even for five minutes". But no. They think about themselves and the fact that she is smoking in their precious car. Whatever. I digress.

Jeremy and my parents and my dad's sisters are all at the house again today trying to finish up as much as possible. It's killing me just sitting here with the kids. I want to be there. For my Dad. This is so hard on him. I just want to make him laugh. Or at least be there to calm the storm that is about to arise. Oh well. Pray. That will help, right????

She would know

I know I didn't know her as well as most. That didn't matter. To say hello, you knew who she was and that she cared more than most people you will know your entire life. Miss Jacque.

I find myself really missing her words of wisdom lately. All of the support I get is astounding, don't misunderstand me. But she was there. In the situation. Dealing with it herself. I keep going back to read her postings so that I can hear what she would be saying to me right now, could she answer my emails. Stay strong Nikki. It's ok to cry. It's ok to laugh. It's ok to be angry. It's ok to ask why. Never look away from God. Why is it that I know, deep in my heart, that she IS here and is likely checking in on my grandma and there are times I swear I can hear her say things to me or even feel her hand on my shoulder as I shudder with sobs, and yet..... I miss her?!?!

I am trying, Dear Jacque. I really am. And I am doing it. Most days. I know you were here on Saturday. I felt you. I didn't realize it at that moment, and I am sorry. But I did hear you. I did feel you. I wish you were here.

I wish...................

Just another update

Grandma is now at Perkins Pavillion at Good Samaritan Village. We are hoping it is temporary. While she was in the hospital she was refusing to do her physical therapy so they moved her there so that she doesn't have the option. Why they were allowing her the option at the hospital is a little baffling to all of us, but whatever. Now, she is doing intense physical, occupational, and speech therapies twice a day, five days a week. On top of that, she is getting fluids twice a week. Again, why she wasn't getting fluids at the hospital is baffling. She is very withdrawn and somewhat depressed about being at Perkins. She is also figuring out that something isn't "clicking" in her mind at times. She still hasn't been told about the atrophy. But she knows something isn't right.

Rob and I are going Saturday to see her and as far as Sunday, either Jeremy or I will be going. That has yet to be decided. Then next week I am hoping to start up my weekly visits with her again. She will be VERY down once her sisters leave on Saturday. I hope I can heal a little of that for her.

That's all for now. I am planning a nice night of sitting on the couch until bedtime. This gray gloomy weather can make one rather tired!

Just when I think I am going to cry....

My cat decide she can play the piano. We have had Grandma Shafer's piano since last summer and not once has the cat touched it. Now, in the last two days, she has decided she is going to learn to play. She will sit with her hind legs on the bench and use her front paws to push the keys. And she doesn't just do one key. Oh no, she moves her paw up and down the keyboard and even switches paws every now and then or will just put both up there and plunk a few dozen keys and then looks to make sure we are watching her. When she sees us looking, she will play a couple more, look again, and get down, as if embarrassed. It's awesome. And to hear Jenna laughing at her makes it even better. Thank God for the small things!

Thank God

My brother is coming home this weekend!!!! I NEED TO SEE HIM SO BADLY!!!! I have felt like I am drowning in an ocean, all alone and floundering for someone to know how I am feeling and is going through the same things I am. And here he comes. My hero. My knight in shining armor. My baby brother. Oh how I love him. I can't wait. Only 4 more days. Only 4. I can make it.

It's real

I saw my grandma today for the first time in at least a month. She is dying. There is no denying it when one looks at her. It's true. She is nothing but skin and bones. She looks awful. She is somewhat lucid, it's hit and miss, minute to minute. I can't type. I know where the keys are but can't see the screen through the tears. Please pray.

P.S.

In addition to my last post:

Grandma is not being told about the diagnosis. It would be too hard for her to bear. And it isn't really something that she needs to know at this point anyway. Also, she was put on an antiseizure medication. Why, we aren't positive. We just know she is on it. Just needed to add that incase anyone sees her at some point. Don't mention the Alzheimer's. Also, she is currently in Mary Lanning. Ok I think that's all. Sorry, the brain is a little overloaded.

Too fast for comfort

Latest update on Grandma is that some of the tests have come back showing rapidly advancing Alzheimer's. The doctor said it is the worst he has seen in someone her age. This is so bad on so many levels. Mainly because she has been more afraid to die of this than of cancer. She has been saying the last two years, "At least it's not Alzheimer's". Well, now it is. Her mom had it. It's terrible. There is no better way to put it than Nancy Reagan did by saying it's "The Long Goodbye". Only this time it seems it won't be too long. My heart feels like I was just told that she has passed away. I know that sounds cold. But her memory loss is already tremendous. It's getting noticeably worse day by day. I now have to plan a trip for my children to see her one last time, per her request. My heart is shattering.


God, be with me and guide me. Amen.

The defecation

is about to hit the rotating oscillating device. I have the patience of a saint when it comes to children. I really do. I can handle anything when it comes to kids. Adults are a totally different story.

I am not like the rest of you in my blogging world. I am a hot head. I don't like it, but I am. I wish I was more like my mother's family in this aspect of my personality, but I'm just not.

Why is it that when I clean the house (or do anything, period), I have a screaming child on one hip, one hanging on my pant leg and another begging me to pick them up, but when my husband has something he is doing there is a code red and the room must be clear of all living things, save him?!?!?!?

Loads on the brain

Things aren't looking great with Grandma W. My heart tells me that this is the beginning of a rapid end. Her sisters are coming this week for a week long stay and honestly, I am wondering if she is just hanging on to be with them one last time and then will rapidly decline. I am just fooling myself, she is already rapidly declining. It's too hard to write thoughts right now. I think you all know anyway. I will just end in posting the last two updates from Aunt DD. Please pray. Please. And in your prayers, PLEASE remember to include my brother. Being so far away is really upsetting him right now and he is having a hard time dealing with grief and homesickness. Not a good combo. It makes me sad. Thank you again.

In an email Tuesday April 8:

Hi,
Yesterday we saw Dr Hervert (Mom's primary dr). Nothing really new there except he added to the physical therapy to work on balance as well as her strengthening excersises. She also went for fluids on monday and her weight is down another 2 pounds.
Today we saw the neurologist, Dr Edwards. She ordered MRIs and a EEG. They showed she has had a small stroke (showed up in the brain stem). This area of your brain has to do with your walking. The frontal lobe
(which affects your coordination) showed the brain signals were not connecting and sending the proper signals
to help her walk. Dr E thinks due to radiation, hardening of the arteries and small blood vessel disease or the combination of the three, and then the stroke on top of that, this is why she has no warning, she just goes down.
There is nothing we can do. Keep up the PT, see if it will help, but no medication will help. She also got lectured about using her walker at all times. She is also now going to have more help at the Homestead.
The MRI also showed she has a compound fracture of a vertebrae. It was not a broken rib. The pain radiated
around the left side. But is healing nicely. We know this happened at her house be fore we moved her. It was
on my shift so we know exactly when it happened. And no, she wasn't using the walker then either.
So we have some answers, not much for help though. And so the journey goes on.
We meet with her cancer dr, Dr Bruno, friday. This is the one I'm dreading. I'm afraid we waited to long to start
the chemo up again, and I'm afraid they'll want to start the chemo again, and she is too weak.
Please keep us in your prayers.
Denise

In an email on Wednesday April 9:

Forget the dr's appt on friday. . . Mom was admitted to the hospital this afternoon. The Homestead called this morning (becoming a morning ritual anymore). Mom fell in her room at 5 a.m. She did not call for assistance
and of course, went down. They know she simply forgets, and after yesterdays appt, we now know why. But
they do not know what else to do with her but put her in a wheelchair for her own safety. Something she was not ready to do yet. When I got back from lunch, I got another phone call from the Homestead, something is not right with your mother. They put phone calls into her 3 dr's but no one was returning calls and they thought she should be taken to the ER for evaluation. Seems she could not remember anything from this morning; not the 5 oclock
fall, not going to the cancer ctr for 3 hrs for fluids, doesn't remember eating lunch. But she did remember the
Homestead talking to her about the wheelchair this morning, she did remember physical therapy coming after lunch and she could not stand for them. Her left side is weaker and droopy. Tests from the ER did not show another
stroke. As a matter of fact, everything looked fine. She was very coherent with Don & I in the ER. So we are
baffled. Dr Hervert (her primary dr) had her admitted to the 2nd floor. Not ICU but something similar to that.
Usually she has to go to 4th, the oncology floor. Also, her house sold last night. We close on it May 9. She took this very well.
We look forward to her sisters from the west coming and spending a week with her; hopefully, she'll be out of the
hosiptal by then.
Thank you to everyone at work for your support and hugs. I love you too, Shelby. And I hope I didn't ruin your birthday, Linda.
KEEP PRAYING<
Denise

Mama I'm Coming Home

I don't know why, but this morning I woke up with this song in my head. I haven't heard it in ages. So, I turned it on. As I sit here listening to it (during a break from sorting clothes), I am in absolute awe. Ever watched the show "The Osbournes"? Every time Ozzy would talk I would have to rewind it 10 or 15 times just to catch what he was trying to say. The man can barely get a thought across. But listen to this song!!!! It's BEAUTIFUL and you can understand every single word that comes out of his mouth, without fail. A hard metal man singing such a great song, that gets to me too. I just love it. One of my many all time favorites.

I have come to realize....

That the days of "pooing" in silence are long gone. My cat has even figured out how to open the door when I am in there. Don't misunderstand this, she hasn't become like the dinosaurs in Jurassic Park that figure out how to open doors, but if it isn't completely shut, she will stand on her hind legs and bat at it until it breaks free and she can push it open. And, much like the kids, she will stand at my feet crying at me for Lord only knows what.

I guess I will be making good use of the lock on that door from now on. Although that doesn't stop my human children from sitting on the opposite side of the door saying "Can you see my toes, Mommy?", "Can you see my fingers, Mommy?" "Mommy, here is a toy to play with while you are in there!"

Ohhhh the joys.

Stupid people shouldn't be allowed to breed

And I am not talking about mentally handicapped people. I am talking about people that JUST DON'T FRICKING GET IT. If you are lookin for a happy go lucky blog, this won't be it. I'm just sayin.

So today has been full of idiots. First off, I turn on G00d M0rning America and one of the stories was about a "Legal Man is with child". Along with the teasers, pictures of a pregnant "man". Ok, so as the commercials roll, I try to figure this out. Honestly, what I was thinking is "Why can't it be my husband? We'd be millionaires!" Then the story comes on. Yeah. Not a man. It's a woman that had a sex change, but kept her uterus. Then, the partner had to have a hysterectomy and now "he" is carrying the baby. LEGALLY, "he" is a man. BUT MEN DON'T HAVE A UTERUS!!!!! And you can't tell me that this wasn't a plan years in the making. These people knew exactly what they were doing. And to top it all off, in an interview with this couple (I think the interview will be on D@teline tonight), the "man" says that he is "afraid for their safety now that the news is out". REALLY?!?! Hey dumb***!!!!!.... MAYBE YOU SHOULDN'T HAVE DONE IT!!!!!

THEN..... a little closer to home (Across the backyard to be exact), there is this gal I babysit for. In their home, I am sad to say, there is nothing but TONS of drama. And this isn't just "Yo mama" drama. This is serious crap with the involvement of children. Several children. Four to be exact (one is technically a teen). This mom is living with her mom. The grandma's boyfriend also lives with them. Also, there is the mom of the kids I watch's two brothers, one is 15 and one is 9. The kids I watch are 2 and 4. Are you keeping track? That's 7 people in a house that is exactly like mine. This mom I sit for went off to boot camp in October. The dad of the kids (her husband) ended up getting caught in the act with another girl while she was gone. So, the mom ended up fracturing her hip in basics and got a medical discharge because she couldn't complete training. Whatever. So now she comes home and is filing for divorce, thus why they are living with the grandma. Ok, so yesterday, she has me watch the kids. (She only works part time now.) No big deal. Until she comes home 3 hours later WITH A MAN SHE JUST DROVE TO OMAHA TO PICK UP FROM THE AIRPORT. He got a one way ticket from CA to NE to live with her. (making the total in the house 8) She doesn't even know this man (they met in line for paperwork at boot camp and started talking online two weeks ago)and the minute they walk in the door, she can't understand why neither of her kids will look at him or tell them they love him and why they don't want to go home with them, they want to stay here!!! And THEN, this morning, I had no idea if I was to have them today or not because she never got back to me last night like she said she would to tell me if she worked. So I called for over an hour to see what was going on. No answer. Then, as I was in the shower and getting ready to go to see one of Addison's assemblies, she shows up and drops the kids off and says she will be home at 4. Fine. But then 5 minutes later, the little boy comes in to me and says, "Mommy says I am eating here". WHAT?!?!? IT WAS 10:30!!!!! All of the other kids had been done eating for two hours!!!!

I honestly don't know how much more of this I can take. I watch these poor kids go through this crap every day. And there is nothing I can do, other than give them a stable place to be during the day. But does it really do any good? They will still pry become hoodlems just like the rest of their family (the 15 year old is looking at time in Jouvie, and another brother is a ward of the state and has been the last 5 years). I am trying not to lose faith, but I have to tell you..... It's gonna kill me.